I’ve lost my breathe can you please just send me home. I’m tired of this fight. This pull and tug has gone to far. You win!! . The house is dark and I’m fine with it. I feel as though I’ve no footing and Here is my outlet my sanctum sanctoturm. So be warned “there be demons that dwell here.”
I started today with something I thought (my ex) K and I put to bed a more than a year ago. Facebook has a funny way of putting its fucking nose in my life with those “MEMORIES” A year ago today I was swallowing radioactive iodine and being given checked for thyroid cancer. Today I started the blood work tests again. I’ve been seeing PT and OT people at the big hospital as well as a fancy neuropsychologist who specializes in complex only cases. I face my biggest fear every week head on and I fucking hate it. Now I’m being told that they’re considered I’ve a fucking brain tumor and want me to go in ASAP for an MRI FUCK!!!!!
I am so seriously over all of this shit. Chronic illness, chronic pain, incurable, progressive, the slow fucking miserable death of Parkinson’s disease. Or maybe even the panic and sheer fucking terror of cancer as if my life hasn’t been challenging enough . lol. Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining if anything I’m super fucking pissed off and I’m ridiculously tired. More tired than I’ve ever been in my life. Fatigue doesn’t even come close to explaining what I feel right now. It’s as if my soul has be sucked out of this crappy husk of a human I’ve become. My skin as become numb to tender touches my heart has grown so guarded and quick to trigger. I grieve for myself as I watch the man I want to be fall away as I’m left with literally what ever is left over.
Tears streamed down my face for an hour at psyc today. No consolation available for only true words were spoken. No lies or pretty fixs no candy coated sugar treats just the truth raw, honest and something I’ve found that not even most family members care to stick around to watch unfold.
What do you want to remember ten years from now and what do you want to be remembered for 10 years from now. Serious, serious talks today.
Okay that’s enough for now. I’m so sorry to fill the universe with negative feelings but some good has to come from my life. If someone somewhere can breathe easier because I don’t then God, Goddess, Allah, bless them. Let my pain since birth my fear and loss make some sense in some way. I try so hard to #staypositive to be pure.
Summer left without a warning and fall came quickly to take its place. I love fall far more than summer. I always have. And as I realize I’m in the Autumn of my own life I’ve come to appreciate her more than ever.