I’ve lost my breathe. 

I’ve lost my breathe can you please just send me home.  I’m tired of this fight. This pull and tug has gone to far.  You win!! . The house is dark and I’m fine with it. I feel as though  I’ve no footing and Here is my outlet my sanctum sanctoturm. So be warned “there be demons that dwell here.” 

I started today with something I thought (my ex) K and I put to bed a more than a year ago. Facebook has a funny way of putting its fucking nose in my life with those “MEMORIES”  A year ago today I was swallowing radioactive iodine and being given checked for thyroid cancer. Today I started the blood work tests again. I’ve been seeing PT and OT people at the big hospital as well as a fancy neuropsychologist who specializes in complex only cases. I face my biggest fear every week head on and I fucking hate it. Now I’m being told that they’re considered I’ve a fucking brain tumor and want me to go in ASAP for an MRI FUCK!!!!! 

I am so seriously over all of this shit. Chronic illness, chronic pain, incurable,  progressive, the slow fucking miserable death of Parkinson’s disease. Or maybe even the panic and sheer fucking terror of cancer as if my life hasn’t been challenging enough . lol.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining if anything I’m super fucking pissed off and I’m ridiculously tired. More tired than I’ve ever been in my life. Fatigue doesn’t even come close to explaining what I feel right now. It’s as if my soul has be sucked out of this crappy husk of a human I’ve become. My skin as become numb to tender touches my heart has grown so guarded and quick to trigger. I grieve for myself as I watch the man I want to be fall away as I’m left with literally what ever is left over. 

Tears streamed down my face for an hour at psyc today. No consolation available for only true words were spoken. No lies or pretty fixs no candy coated sugar treats just the truth raw, honest and something I’ve found that not even most family members care to stick around to watch unfold. 

What do you want to remember ten years from now  and what do you want to be remembered for 10 years from now. Serious, serious talks today. 

Okay that’s enough for now. I’m so sorry to fill the universe with negative feelings but some good has to come from my life.  If someone somewhere can breathe easier because I don’t then God, Goddess, Allah, bless them.  Let my pain since birth my fear and loss make some sense in some way. I try so hard to #staypositive to be pure.

Summer left without a warning and fall came quickly to take its place. I love fall far more than summer. I always have. And as I realize I’m in the Autumn of my own life I’ve come to appreciate her more than ever. 

For now Goodnight. I’m not going anywhere today. I’m to tired for it. So as always “Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.”  

B. 2016 

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18 thoughts on “I’ve lost my breathe. 

  1. I’m so sorry to hear that, that I don’t know exactly what to say, because any word sounds silly to me at this moment. You’re incredibly brave and wise. I can only tell you that God gives the hardest wars to His strongest warriors, and you my friend, are proving you’re one of them everyday. You’ll be in my prayers, and have my most sincere best wishes and hope. Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Goddamit! You really don’t deserve more shit on top of the shit you already have to deal with. Thoughts and prayers always with you, dear friend. How we wish we were just up the road…

    Enjoy that early autumn! We’re sweltering in a rare, late, splash of summer… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ice tea for the heat. Yeah my friend I’m beside myself I can’t decide if I’m in zen Ben mode or fight or flight. At this point I’m numb to everything and hyper sensitive to random things and people but I’m trying to maintain. Always b.

      Like

  3. Enjoy the Autumn weather. The golden leaves, the harvest fruits and vegetables, the early frost on spider’s webs that make them sparkle like jewels. Kicking up the leaves and watching the wind blow them around. The low sunrise, all watery and runny like a pale egg yolk. Your painting is fabulous I love the recent art work you have been making. It’s so vibrant. I can only send you virtual hugs unfortunately, but they are meant. Best of luck with the MRI Benjamin. Kate xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Kate, currently waiting on blood tests back and MRI location, my home town is a state capital so we’ve lots of options for MRI’s lol. Retirement town. Again thank you. I’d be a liar if I wasn’t scared, I can’t handle cancer and pd I think that would pics the balance of the situation. But for now. I’m okay.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You wouldn’t be ‘human’ if you were not scared Benjamin. You are allowed to be scared and upset and annoyed and angry at the ‘world’. It’s where to channel that emotion. You seem to be channelling it into your artwork at the moment. The only thing you can do at the moment is ‘live well’. Get rid of as much darkness as you can. Your artwork shines out. I am glad you feel okay in yourself. Maybe you could consider collecting every good wish or nice comment? You could add it to a new piece of art and ask your son to assist and make it together? (if that’s possible) Maybe each one could be a leaf on an ever growing tree? Maybe you should tell me to mind my own business and leave art to the professionals LOL :0) I wish truly you wellness Benjamin :0) xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you truly, I think that may have been my first real smile today. My house is finally clean so now if I’ve any energy I can paint lol. I hope you’ve a lovely day and thanks again. Always. Benjamin

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I gave your words a “like” not because I like your situation or the way things have turned out to be. Just because I love brave people, I love the strength your words carry themselves, because there´s a human being behind, allowing himself to be himself, whatever the circumstances. This is what I´ve learned today reading your soul. My father has cancer and has just said something similar while we were having lunch. He shouted, he cursed, he said he is really tired. I get it. I try to understand what his soul is saying.
    Thank you. My heart near yours at this moment. Why not? I have what you need…, you have what I need now.
    Hope the best for you.
    (Sorry for my English; it´s not my first language).

    Liked by 1 person

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