Do you see me …Really? or just the B you need me to B.

There is a sadness I can’t shake, I’ve made so many mistakes and bad choices. I’ve pushed the ones I loved most away or they’ve grown tired of a man who will never get better. I try each day to pretend I’m okay with my life, but I’m not. I’m not in any way shape or form okay with this life. Let’s be honest.  No wife or close loving partner. Sadly yes that is part of who I am. No job, only disability, no future to offer a mate. Yes I can say with all my heart, I hate this life. I’m miserable, broken,confused and in pain 24/7 . Who or what in their right mind loves a man so tormented by life and it’s demons. Sure I can paint and write but so can everyone else. Nobody wants to see the hurt or the tired. The broken missteps of life but these days all I take are wrong moves. I can’t do this forever, I won’t live like this, I can’t it’s killing me. Literally lol😂😂😂 the world needs to see me sick if they want to love me when I’m well. I trusted after my divorce,I loved after my divorce and it got me hurt, possibly more so than ever. To dangle a mans dreams I front of him then leave when it gets hard is the cruelest thing one can do. Especially one of great sensitivity,passion and need. The cruelty of the universe amazes me at times.some would say set the ego aside and let be what was.i would say this she’ll is nothing but an ego, for boy inside is tired of being a man. I have and am nothing but myself, a void of nothing and a well of everything all at once and it’s torturous beyond words. To feel everything and yet sit on a cold,dark place always. Simply to help others, to understand their pain and plight to give hopefully words where there are none. To cast light upon all who allow it. But I’m nothing, just a mirror of the world around me. So write and catch words that fall from the sky and I give them to you so feel well. While I’m dying.

I’m tired so fucking tired. 

Benjamin. 2016 

11 thoughts on “Do you see me …Really? or just the B you need me to B.

  1. I hear your pain, my friend and can empathise with you all the way.

    I worked in a hands-on physically demanding management job for the same company for nineteen years until, in 2008, my health gave out.

    I now live with COPD, arthritis, thrombophillia, sleep apnoea, anxiety, depression and a partridge in a pear tree. You get the picture.

    I have good days and (too many) bad days. All I/we can do is take each day as it comes and do with it what we can.

    My consultant and nurses have the last say in this and it cuts straight to the jugular…but its bloody true.

    They remind me that, against all odds…I’m still alive.

    Liked by 1 person

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