Everyday I wake up in this new situation I grow stronger room by room I clean the cobwebs of life away. This last month I’ve been doing so much thinking about myself what I need to be happy. Also the realization that I far to easily let myself become enveloped in my partner. Taking on emotionally and physically to much baggage that isn’t really mine to carry. For so long I envisioned myself as this good guy trying to do good things but in reality I think I’ve been a bit of an enabler. Also I’ve discovered that I hate being alone. Not sexually speaking, honestly sex is sex no big deal. I’m talking about a partner a companion. Someone to share the experiences of life with. Sure I’m scared about being alone with Parkinson’s disease but having lived a full life from experience to me it’s better with a buddy. Plus I’m sure my neighbors think I’m a nutter for talking to the crows all day.
So yeah, it’s time to focus on me, I had to think about when I was most happy in my life to find out what direction I needed to take. Which for a person that hates being a lone is tricky because my first thought is always for someone else. I love to love. Since the first thing as an adult that makes my heart swoon was the memory of raising my children, I laughed because no, I’ve had my child and raised another. I know never say never, but really I’m 46 with PD it’s not really fair for me to bring another human into this world. Second I love to paint, I could paint 25 hours a day if my body would let me. I love write and take photos of this life. So that’s what I’m going to do. Though at times it feels like I’m expected to keep up the pace with the rest of the world. Honestly I can’t do that anymore. My mind can’t express itself that quickly nor can my body handle the pressure aka stress of trying to.
Old goal made new, paint, write, live, love. Simply. My son turns 18 in a year and then I’ll decide whether or not to move to the UK or the coast. Still though I think small farm, pond and or creek. Good view and good friends. Is the right choice. My whole goal after I got sick and before I had children was to become one of the few living great American abstract artists, key word is living. I figure the last time I focused only on the arts it worked out okay. So now is the time to get working on it again. Right then it’s pay bills day, to some known as payday but I find since 95% of my funds go to bills, I’ll think of it as Bill day so I don’t get sad when I see what’s left over lol.
Cheers and much love
“a life on progress”