- Here I am again up before the dawns light ushers in the new day. I woke some time between last call and the time bakers hours begin. I’m coming to terms with life, but it’s easier said than done when you’ve been out of your home for 20 days. Needless to say I’m not sleeping well. Woke in stage 7-8 pain after sleeping most of yesterday on and off. The daze and panic attacks have lessons since all the choices have been made. Though fear rips through me like fire in my veins. Moments shear terror at the idea of going home, alone. Which bring me to the point of this post.
The fear of being Alone.
Not just lonely or loneliness. But the actual physical action of being always with out a companion scares the hell out of me. I’m not talking about a romantic partner, just alone. I talk way to much to be alone.
Nice deflection 🙂 though truly I am many things, but a hermit I am not. This last relationship failure has taught me some very ugly things about life and we as humans will do to hurt or cause drama to others. Or to what lengths one will go to protect their home. Sadly and truly the ugliest thing I’ve been through. My divorce was life changing beyond measure. This new experience feels like a bad episode of Jerry Springer or some horid bad internet dating drama.
https://youtu.be/xLnTWxpTQt4Anyhow like i said i talk / think way to much to live alone. So im thinking a dog is my next best friend. I still plan on if physically able in a year getting a small farm and really focusing on the Arts and Traveling with my son.
Right well its just a bit after 5a pst and i guess its as goodas any time to go back to sleep. Oh and one last thing before I tuck myself back in bed. Here a bit of paint ive been working on “Angel Heart” possibly. Still much painting and texturing to be done.
2 more days in Portland before i can go home. .so nervous about the house and what’s become of my stuff and garden 😦 time for sleep.
Over and out.
“A life on pause.”