Pre-dawn rant :)

  1. Here I am again up before the dawns light ushers in the new day. I woke some time between last call and the time bakers hours begin. I’m coming to terms with life, but it’s easier said than done when you’ve been out of your home for 20 days. Needless to say I’m not sleeping well. Woke in stage 7-8 pain after sleeping most of yesterday on and off. The daze and panic attacks have lessons since all the choices have been made. Though fear rips through me like fire in my veins. Moments shear terror at the idea of going home, alone. Which bring me to the point of this post.
    The fear of being Alone.
    Not just lonely or loneliness. But the actual physical action of being always with out a companion scares the hell out of me. I’m not talking about a romantic partner, just alone. I talk way to much to be alone.
    Nice deflection 🙂 though truly I am many things, but a hermit I am not. This last relationship failure has taught me some very ugly things about life and we as humans will do to hurt or cause drama to others. Or to what lengths one will go to protect their home. Sadly and truly the ugliest thing I’ve been through. My divorce was life changing beyond measure. This new experience feels like a bad episode of Jerry Springer or some horid bad internet dating drama. like i said i talk / think way to much to live alone. So im thinking a dog is my next best friend. I still plan on if physically able in a year getting a small farm and really focusing on the Arts and Traveling with my son.
    Right well its just a bit after 5a pst and i guess its as goodas any time to go back to sleep. Oh and one last thing before I tuck myself back in bed. Here a bit of paint ive been working on “Angel Heart” possibly. Still much painting and texturing to be done.

2 more days in Portland before i can go home. .so nervous about the house and what’s become of my stuff and garden 😦 time for sleep.
Over and out.
“A life on pause.”

17 thoughts on “Pre-dawn rant :)

  1. Brother, touched by your words and the beautiful image. We are never alone, especially when people embrace your gift, your heart and soul, even the times when they don’t let you know their prayers embrace you from afar daily! Love you my brother, and God bless you B!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you Wendell, I really wasn’t prepared to go through this again. But I truly feel like It’s gods was of saying HEY pay attention to your life. Really he could have been more gentle but this was highly effective. Bless you as my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My dear Benjamin: God works for the good of his children we are his heirs to the Kingdom..He will never leave you or forsake you, all guilt comes from satan..not you sweetie..A dog is good company and a mom will be there someday to visit. Love you. If God is with me then who be against me?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. excellent piece of artwork Benjamin. You are coping better than you think. Just think of where you were two weeks ago. Some things are sorted or out of your hands and some are still to be faced. You will face them, you have the inner strength. A dog sounds like a great idea. Onward and upward Kate :0)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, I wish I felt stronger. But I’ve no choice but to go forward with my life and the choices I’ve made. I’m in no way happy to have lost my best friend in this process, I guess that’s just the way the cards fell, and yes s dog in deed.

      Liked by 1 person

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