Fear~

Let’s talk shall we…. It’s been a while, won’t you please come in. I hope you’ve been well and life hasn’t been to hard for you. As usual these days it feels as though I do more living and less living all at once. Paintings more detailed yet small, words less written but more strong and full of heart. Yet my head finds no leave today a I’m faced with my life as it was as it is and how is like it to be.

For years I strive for one goal. For others to be strong, stronger than me or what I thought was me. I chased the dream of being human the dream of 2.5 kids a house, car, dog 2 cars and farm….. Then one day I realized I had it. And at that moment I lost it all. So let’s talk about fear, what are you afraid of? What am I afraid of? Failure and being alone are mine. Today I saw my son for a few brief hours and even with as much love as I have for him, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with the feeling of failure. Failure to him and his sister, failure to M and the life I used to have. The life I spent MY lifetime building. Compounded by my second largest fear, the fear of being alone with my demons. Today was and is a very silent day in the life I have now.. More quiet than it’s been in along time and far more quiet than I care for it to be. Really if I wanted to be alone I’d move to NY or the mountains. Being a painter or poetish person comes with the obligation to feel, to feel deeply, madly, passionately and then express it in a way that others can relate to…. Hopefully lol. Otherwise fade away into the darkness of my life.
So many thoughts about the future these days… A future alone? A future with Parkinson’s. Do I move to the coast and become a reclusive artist with a giant beard and skin covered in tattoos? So many questions.
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I used to fear change more than anything, now it seems that change is the only real thing I can count on. I’m tired of worry, I’m tired of this life yet it’s the only one I know. I paint, I write and I hope I wake up one more time. Beyond that it often feels like I’ve no idea wtf I’m doing. Not traveling for the end of this year is going to be one of the hardest yet hopefully rewarding things I’ll have done for myself in a long time. It will be the first time in my children’s lives that we’ve not been together for the holidays, so I firmly believe if I can make it through this season… I’ll survive anything. Well I’ve got to go, one of the things I haven’t talked about is why I don’t post as often as I used to…. I simply can’t. I can’t sit or have my arms bent that long anymore without a great deal of pain.. Bummer… But today is different, I needed this, I needed to spill my words and heart here again as I used to. I needed to feel at home somewhere in my life and this is where I came.
To those of you who read this thank you and to those of you who know me, don’t worry…
Please do me one small favor, in your life. Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have.
Find love, find laughter for your heart and soul. Fill each day with the things that give you joy. For that my dear friends is what life should be about.

Always~
Benjamin
“A life in progress”
1970-current

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19 thoughts on “Fear~

  1. and you’ll find those things that bring you comfort, may not be or feel the same, but that doesn’t make them worse. and just keep being there for your kids, in the house or not, and they will be sure you love them.

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  2. Of course it’s a hard thing for you to handle, because you love them but just be there for them so they can come to you. Tghere will come a day when he will be more grown up like you are to me and he will come to you. Love you mum

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  3. Big squeezes sent westward on an invisible wind. Such human hurts reach the heart of all. i can only concur with all of those who love and support you – your loving presence in your kids’ lives is felt and is so important, despite the change of residence. No love is ever lost! xo! marga

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    • Thank you my friend for taking the time to comment. Life sure has changed a lot since we started this adventure. Some days it’s so hard to be overwhelmed by the immenseness of this life.

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      • I think of you often, Ben, and send you the same beautiful wishes that you send out to so many others in the tumultuous world where we all tumble round and round, like rocks, loosing our sharp angles in the constant friction. Your rock makes a particularly beautiful vibrating song as I catch sight/sound of it through the motion. Much much love! marga

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  4. a beard and covered in tattoos 🙂 why not? may your spirit be covered in colours of hope as you inspire us to see the beauty within and all around.

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