Today…not tomorrow.

I could right write a thousand words about today and not a single one matter. Why? Because empathy only goes so far and sympathy runs it’s course. There are days in this human life that simply bare never repeating.
I’ve been trying to come to terms with the standard depression associated with being diagnosed with an “un curable progressive neurological disorder”
I’ve also learned that dealing with the depression stemming from my separation from M and the kids is normal, expected, natural. But I’ve got to say F&$)?! Really universe? Gimme a break. So yes today I’m weak, needy, insecure all the things I’m not normally. It’s a side of me I loathe. I’ve spent so much time in my life training my mind and body to push through this life and all the things that come with, making days like today pretty freakin crappy.
Why the ramble? You may ask.. Well I’ve started a sketch and photo manipulation project that will chronicle these depressing day. It will literally be a living breathing emotional, perpetual work in progress. Here is the first installment.
IMG_0884.JPG
The idea here is on my dark days I will come here pour my sadness, weakness and weight I can’t bare with true pure raw emotion, leaving it, changing it and working through it here.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
– See more at: http://allpoetry.com/Do-Not-Go-Gentle-Into-That-Good-Night#sthash.w0xuP0Xm.dpuf
Below is a quote by Dylan Thomas that speaks more eloquently and more truly about what goes on inside my head than I could ever have hoped to find words for in this life.

“I hold a beast, an angel, and a madman in me, and my enquiry is as to their working, and my problem is their subjugation and victory, downthrow and upheaval, and my effort is their self-expression”. Thomas was born in Swansea, Wales, on October 27, 1914. After grammar school he moved to London where, in 1934, his first book of poetry, Eighteen Poems, was published. – See more at: http://allpoetry.com/Do-Not-Go-Gentle-Into-That-Good-Night#sthash.w0xuP0Xm.dpuf

** Good resource link for depression and Parkinson’s disease.
https://www.michaeljfox.org/understanding-parkinsons/living-with-pd/topic.php?emotions-depression

Suicide prevention hotline:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Benjamin
2014
“A life in progress”
Be brave..be bold…and thrive in the life you have, you never know when things will change
.
B~xx

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21 thoughts on “Today…not tomorrow.

  1. I think it’s hard to fully understand depression unless you’ve experienced it yourself; either personally or with someone close. When it’s not you going through it! It’s hard to know the best thing to do or the right thing to say to someone you love that has this black bolder on their chest while they’re in a fog of emotional turmoil. Today I feel sad that we lost Robin Williams and that he felt that death was his ultimate option. I’m also thinking of you and your struggles and want you to know that even though we’ve never met, that your writing & art touches me and you inspire me simply by living and stumbling through life (metaphorically!) the best and only way you know how. xox

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Mel, truly we’ve been sharing in each others adventures for sometime now and honestly you’ve seen me go through a ton of change over the last two years. It is truly sad that Robin felt the only or best option was to be done. Yes I do and am stumbling through this part of my life.
      Best wishes in everything my friend.
      Benjamin

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Monday was a horrible day, national news aside. Today is not much better, but I am glad I read this.

    I know it doesn’t help to know that you are never alone, especialy across the country or world, but know that you always have a friend to talk to here.

    Like

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