7/8/14 9:35 est
There comes a time in each of our lives when we must learn to let go. I’ve done so the hard way, not by choice but by pure design. Something many people don’t know is I continued to work for nearly a year after I was diagnosed with PD. My onset was hard and fast, honesty taking me by surprise. In hind site I’ve learned that I’d had the disease for a long time up to 7 years perviously before my outward symptoms began to show so once on medication it was like the PD said “oh no you don’t” and really started to kick my ass hard.
As a man who was raised by an older generation (grandparents) than my maternal parents I was taught the “old ways” that a man IS defined by his job and his actions as a provider and protector. True, real or not that was how I was raised so that’s who and what I became. Having Parkinson’s disease take away my identity and what at the time I knew then to be my “self” was devastating not only for me but for my family. I can only imagine how hard it was for them to watch me struggle with the biggest hurdle I’d ever faced but also the biggest thing besides death that we as a family unit had ever dealt with. In the end not them or I was able to see it through. M and the family and I separated this last April.
Which leads me to the next major change in my life in a relatively short period of time. Losing ones other half.
I was always raise to put family first and in my process of self rediscovery we ( I ) somehow lost sight of that. Not so much out of greed or a need to be free, but out of an overwhelming need to figure out who and how I was going to live with this life changing disease. Sadly again in the course of learning who I was at the core of me, something that I had to find, I had to find something that PD couldn’t take from me. I lost everything I’d ever worked for in my life. Yet at the same time I found myself again. The poetish painter that many of you have come to know today. Sure I still want to take over the world “pinky and the brain” but now I’ll do it by means of art and through my art and passion remind the world to feel. Remind the world that know matter what colour skin you have, language you speak or financial status in life one has that when we take it all away we are built from the same stuff. Love is love as is, hurt, anger, sadness, hope, fear and dreams. They are the fundamental things that make us human and consequently connected in a deeper way than skin or spoken word could ever express. Colour speaks me in ways I’ve noticed it doesn’t everyone. I feel the colours so deeply at times they make me weep like a child and the funny thing is I’m blue/green colour blind.
So letting go through change I’ve found isn’t me. I will always hold into the hope that I can and will surround myself with the people that make me most happy. I will always hold onto the belief that we can heal past the hideous, monstrous things that can and do happen in a life time. I know because I’ve lived through a lot of them. So as life changes to you, around you and through you, keep the gifts it gives you, toss out the garbage and always, always know that things will change and that you can and will make it through okay.
Today I write these words for myself as much for anyone reading them as I’m right smack dab in the middle of the most difficult time I’ve ever had in my life. Living with a “incurable progressive neurological disorder”
Having lost my career, my family,support unit and home, having lost a very important person in my life that I thought would be around for much longer. But I have learned that at some point I’ve got to let go of the people that can’t, don’t or never will love me in the way I love them. I don’t know how today to do that but I’m learning. So keep the ones who love you close and tell them daily what they mean to you and the rest of them are just marks on the road map of life. Thanks for letting me ramble.
“A life in progress”