A journal entry~ Life as I know it.

7/8/14 9:35 est
There comes a time in each of our lives when we must learn to let go. I’ve done so the hard way, not by choice but by pure design. Something many people don’t know is I continued to work for nearly a year after I was diagnosed with PD. My onset was hard and fast, honesty taking me by surprise. In hind site I’ve learned that I’d had the disease for a long time up to 7 years perviously before my outward symptoms began to show so once on medication it was like the PD said “oh no you don’t” and really started to kick my ass hard.

As a man who was raised by an older generation (grandparents) than my maternal parents I was taught the “old ways” that a man IS defined by his job and his actions as a provider and protector. True, real or not that was how I was raised so that’s who and what I became. Having Parkinson’s disease take away my identity and what at the time I knew then to be my “self” was devastating not only for me but for my family. I can only imagine how hard it was for them to watch me struggle with the biggest hurdle I’d ever faced but also the biggest thing besides death that we as a family unit had ever dealt with. In the end not them or I was able to see it through. M and the family and I separated this last April.

Which leads me to the next major change in my life in a relatively short period of time. Losing ones other half.
I was always raise to put family first and in my process of self rediscovery we ( I ) somehow lost sight of that. Not so much out of greed or a need to be free, but out of an overwhelming need to figure out who and how I was going to live with this life changing disease. Sadly again in the course of learning who I was at the core of me, something that I had to find, I had to find something that PD couldn’t take from me. I lost everything I’d ever worked for in my life. Yet at the same time I found myself again. The poetish painter that many of you have come to know today. Sure I still want to take over the world “pinky and the brain” but now I’ll do it by means of art and through my art and passion remind the world to feel. Remind the world that know matter what colour skin you have, language you speak or financial status in life one has that when we take it all away we are built from the same stuff. Love is love as is, hurt, anger, sadness, hope, fear and dreams. They are the fundamental things that make us human and consequently connected in a deeper way than skin or spoken word could ever express. Colour speaks me in ways I’ve noticed it doesn’t everyone. I feel the colours so deeply at times they make me weep like a child and the funny thing is I’m blue/green colour blind.

So letting go through change I’ve found isn’t me. I will always hold into the hope that I can and will surround myself with the people that make me most happy. I will always hold onto the belief that we can heal past the hideous, monstrous things that can and do happen in a life time. I know because I’ve lived through a lot of them. So as life changes to you, around you and through you, keep the gifts it gives you, toss out the garbage and always, always know that things will change and that you can and will make it through okay.

Today I write these words for myself as much for anyone reading them as I’m right smack dab in the middle of the most difficult time I’ve ever had in my life. Living with a “incurable progressive neurological disorder
Having lost my career, my family,support unit and home, having lost a very important person in my life that I thought would be around for much longer. But I have learned that at some point I’ve got to let go of the people that can’t, don’t or never will love me in the way I love them. I don’t know how today to do that but I’m learning. So keep the ones who love you close and tell them daily what they mean to you and the rest of them are just marks on the road map of life. Thanks for letting me ramble.
Artists statement
Much love.
B.
“A life in progress”
2014.

25 thoughts on “A journal entry~ Life as I know it.

  1. Your “ramblings” are always welcome! I will read anything you wish to share, as it helps me to better know you and what you are going through. I hope, just by being here, that one day I’ll be able to help you, in any small way.
    Your friendship means the world to me, and I hope you know how special you are. x

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  2. Dearest B… Firstly may I say thank-you for sharing your journey, I am not very good at expressing myself and really admire your natural talent in doing do… Over the past few years of following your Blog and words I can’t tell you how much you have inspired me… I think you’re an incredible artist and person! I feel deeply for you ATM and am so sorry your having to go through… I wish I didn’t live so far away!

    Take care, be gentle on yourself, Desiderata my dear friend xox

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    • Thank you, in know I’m not the only one to go through change but I have have almost zero self perception so it makes it really hard to know what’s “normal” or okay. Should or shouldn’t I feel or react a certain way. Here I can communicate with people such as yourself who seem to genuinely care about life love and the pursuit I happiness. Maybe just maybe I can learn how that done lol 😉

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      • I’ve been through my share of pain in this game of life Hun and totally get how your feeling… even though each persons road is unique… some seem to have to go though more than others for some strange/ unknown reason… but out of all the people I’ve met in my life time you have an exceptional strength, soul and focus!

        Sending much love, friendship and hugs always xox

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  3. ((hugs)) I cannot even begin to relate to everything you have had happen in the last few years, but I know loss and upheaval. I only wish that I had been able to express it as well as you have been able to, even if that isn’t your way of coping when you are offline.

    Colour speaks me in ways I’ve noticed it doesn’t everyone.–I love this statement.

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    • Thank you I find that if I don’t express it here in was that I can interact with other humans and share the same similar experiences with then I tend to be far more self destructive than I should be. Sadly I require human interaction. Unless I’m a hermit in the woods then the other animals will do just fine lol 🙂

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      • I get that completely. I can be too happy with no interactions, but I also know that makes my dark times worse and it isn’t the way it should be. At least with online connections it’s better than nothing (and sometimes better than real connections, depending on who you have around)

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      • Lol true though I don’t keep bad people in my life nobody should. Though I totally get that at time we can’t always completely chose who’s in our lives.

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      • Yep, the whole online motives thing has thrown me for a loop at times bc normally in RL people like that wouldn’t ever dare come near me. At 6′ 190 ex warrior black belt I have no tolerance for people bs lol and I have no problem letting them know. But online people are tricky

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  4. I never met anything better that gave me inspiration in my darkest hours than the ‘Guide to Perfection’ from the 18th chapter of the Bhagavadgita. The fact that the honing of a human being from base metal to gold means going through the furnace at times is fully taken into account. This is my translation from the Sanskrit and therefore it may not be totally conveying the essence of what the poet puts across, for which I beg his pardon, but here it is.
    “Life is a challenge – meet it
    Life is a gift – accept it
    Life is an adventure – dare it
    Life is a sorrow – overcome it
    Life is a tragedy – face it
    Life is a duty – perform it
    Life is a game – play it
    Life is a mystery – unfold it
    Life is a song – sing it
    Life is an opportunity – take it
    Life is a journey – complete it
    Life is a promise – fulfill it
    Life is Love – discover it
    Life is beauty – praise it
    Life is Truth – realise it
    Life is a struggle – fight it
    Life is a puzzle – solve it
    Life is a goal – achieve it.”

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  5. I read through this twice and your words really spoke to me. I needed to read this today. May the Lord bless you and keep you always. I send you prayers and hugs from my way……

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