Thoughts ~ Mental blargg.

Since before I left for the UK this last April things in my life have been nothing short of a whirlwind. Here I am again thousands of miles from home wondering what the hell I’m doing. Sure I’m painting or will be as soon as I adjust to the time change and get a little more rested. But my life the real world the in and day out feels completely out of control. Unfortunately it is and isn’t. One of the side effect of a medicine I take for my PD. Ropinerol is pretty nasty it literally causes obsessive compulsive thinking patterns which for a guy that already feels words in colors and feels colors as emotions I have to say is pretty overwhelming. Since my separation from M has made my life a living hell. I mean take your emotional meter and turn it up to 11 then add new people, new situations and a whole new life….

It’s a recipe for a self destructive disaster.. My disaster, the implosion of my heart and soul. It’s like being a fish in a fish bowl of shiny objects sometimes lol. SQUIRREL Thankfully I’ve had a few moments of clarity and have sought some help. My Parkinson’s advocate has helped me get in-touch with some social workers that can aid in taking some of the day to day stress from my life. I’m looking into having someone come by the house each week to help me prioritize the things I need to get done. I’m also looking into having someone manage my accounts for me as at this point I’m finding my lack of social filters and self control a bit concerning. It’s like watching someone else say and do things with my body and later, me having to come back and run damage control. Basically I’m in a constant emotional overload mode and given the amount of emotional bs I’ve got going on in my life right now it’s become unbearable. I’m also talking with a very dear friend about handling my calendar for me. Dr, appointments, art shows, basically anything with a timeline that I need to pay attention to this person will remind me of and keep me in track. See not only does the medication for Parkinson’s cause these strange personality tweaks but most PWP suffer from some form of dementia and or Alzheimer’s symptoms, yeah PD pretty much sucks big time. So why I am sharing these things, here and now? Well I’m sitting here in Ottawa trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing with my life. How I want to live it, who I want in it and how I’m going to lead a life that makes me happy, stuff that’s hard to keep straight even for a person with a completely “normal” brain. But I figure if the people in my life understand where some of my “crazy” comes from then maybe just maybe I’ll have a chance at a semi-normal life again someday.

Okay now that I’ve rambled my ass off about completely random things let’s talk about some cool stuff. In July is my sons birthday I’m totally excited for that he’ll be 15. Then in Aug the Salem Arts Building where my apartment and working studio is located is having it’s grand opening of the “Hive” we’ve completely renovated the entire second floor into 25 working studio spaces. The building owner has successfully done this business model in Portland Oregon at the Ford building and created a seriously thriving arts community. I’m so proud to be a part of this adventure in my home town. In at the ground floor of bringing a live, thriving more active art community to any town especially the one I live in is nothing but a good thing. I will be creating a whole new collection of work for the grand opening event some of which you’ve already seen,
Healing Waters
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And
My Love

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Once I get home from this current trip I’m on, partially because traveling has really taken it’s toll on me physically this year and emotionally I don’t think I can take anymore stress I’m going to lock myself in the studio and not come out until a good 10-15 new pieces have been completed. That being said people please you need to buy ART!’ Lol help a brother out here, paint and pills are expensive lol.
So there it is all laid out on the table, my crazy, my art, my life and passions. Hopes, fears and dreams but I guess that’s nothing new I’m kind of a sharer.
Hopefully things in my life will start to get better, I’m told, that day by day they do and I’ve come close to having some good days. I guess for now I’ll have to settle for simply having some good moments and build up from there.
That’s being said I hope in your lives you too can find the strength to Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have.

Much love.
Benjamin
2014
“A life in progress”
Source link from Parkinson’s disease foundation

12 thoughts on “Thoughts ~ Mental blargg.

  1. I think asking for help was brave and a really good idea. I have this feeling that even though your going through a rough spell right now it’s going to get better. Great things are ahead. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. I am glad you have identified and are going to be using the resources available to help you out. Life will never be perfect but here’s to it being improved where it can.

    Believe me when I say I am obsessed with Healing Waters and would buy it from you today if I could.

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  3. i’m glad you will be working with a group to help support you, and so that you can continue to do the things you love so much. enjoy ottawa and all that it brings to your life. and i think you need to change it to ‘paint, passion and pills.’ it’s more you.

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  4. Dear Benjamin, as always, I admire your determination and unyielding passion to live life to the fullest no matter what. I am sure many are learning so much by the clarity of your example in this respect. And yes ~ I can attest to the benefits of buying your artwork as my life has been enriched by owning several of your brilliant paintings; I enjoy them daily, and will forever treasure these. Blessings and Love ~ RL

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