Giving things up~(words and paint)

It’s been so long I don’t remember the exact time or your I just remember you swinging from the bridge and I knew you had gone. A double noose did the trick preceded by euphoria and a needles prick. Gently in the summer breeze swinging so gently blowing in the trees. I did the right things and called the right people gathered them all to our neon lit steeple. I spoke at your wake and started to cry for I had just watched a part of me die.
*** Ode to Michael Shannon Douglas, I miss you Mike D. Sure could use your advice these days.

Today is a really huge step for me personally, emotionally. I’m giving up my call. Giving it back to M so that she can use it to better cultivate the family we started some 17 years ago. As a huge part of me breathes a sigh of relief to not bare the burden of the things that come with car ownership I’m also reminded of what Parkinson’s has taken from me. I’d held into the car after we separated so I could see my son after school but those things have now changed and my need for societal expectations has grown. Now today I give up one of my last personal freedoms, sure I can take a taxi or rent a car and in time assuming my body allows me to continue to drive I can get another car but for today, right now it feels like another thing to add to the list of things PD has taken from me. My career, family, my car. I don’t write these words out of self pity or woe is me, for they are just simple truths of my life and the journey I find myself on.
Today I will tend to my new home and try not to think of the things I want in my life, today I will try to simply be thankful for the things I have. Tomorrow I leave for Ottawa again to see if there if anything left to cultivate in my relationships with some amazing people I’ve met there, I will paint and write, love and learn. That being said, I hope wherever you are and how ever this finds you that in your life you too may always. Be brave, Be bold and thrive in the life you have. Trust me things will change, they always do.

Much love an light.
Benjamin

Advertisements

23 thoughts on “Giving things up~(words and paint)

  1. Best wishes to you in Ottawa and so very sorry to read that one more thing has been taken as you fight the battle. In my thoughts for courageous blessings, as you meet this ugly disease head-on.

    Like

    • Thanks, Parkinson’s pisses me off lol, I’m finding it especially hard to deal with in this new journey. But I really have no choice but to keep moving forward.
      Best wishes
      Benjamin

      Like

  2. I’m sorry about all these things….in my head, I can still see Mike Douglas ordering a complicated italian soda drink at the bar at Old Town pizza. Hugs to you.

    Like

  3. i’m sorry this is happening. maybe reframe it as adding a bit of freedom to your life, as counterintuitive as this sounds, you will be weighed down less by material things. my hope is that you have a positive time in ottawa and have the chance to see your son on your return. hugs )

    Like

  4. Cars can be a pain in the you-know-what! Always wanting some repair/insurance/license. I sold mine when I went into a wheelchair permanently and I remember I was bereft at the time thinking it was the absolute end of my independence, etc, etc, but I do much better in taxi cabs/carer’s car if I need to go anywhere and I don’t miss the associated costs at all. Oh, btw attempting to add you on the world’s big social network – moz loordes.

    Like

  5. Holding you in heart and prayer then today, Benjamin. I know how hard this is. I just made the decision to give up my apartment and move into senior digs and am cotemplating giving up my car as well. It’s all about health issues and not age. Having said that, I really feel for you because you are much younger and are dealing with the loss of family as well. You are such a fine spirit and from what you’ve shared in posts, you rise above as cream always will.

    Many blessings,
    J.

    Like

    • It’s has been by far the most difficult years of my life. I’m in contact with some people at project independence and will be trying to get some local home care visits shortly myself as things on a organization level I’m finding harder and harder now that I’m on “my own” I wish you the very best in your new situation.
      Sincerely
      Benjamin

      Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.