Have you ever had those times in life where you really just didn’t want the sun to raise? Or have that next day come…..that’s kind of where I’m at. I’m not sure what to expect from moment to moment and I hate that feeling. I spent so many years making things “normal” and stable for myself and those around me that to have the carpet pulled out from under me has left me with this constant feeling of being sucked into a maelstrom of torment, angst and fear. I’m sure once I find a place to live and paint that things will stabilize. And really in the scheme of things I’ve been through worse. But to have such change forced upon you after 17 years is brutal and every time I get back to “normal” here comes that gut punch of reality. Separation from my spouse, the pain and harsh reality that is Parkinson’s disease. Honestly the fear of being alone. Anyhow on the positive side I have PT today which I hope will help my body feel better. I’ve a meeting with my Parkinson’s advocate on Wednesday and I’m going to hang a show at Cafe Volia in Portland Oregon this weekend. So life is not all bad just emotionally heartbreaking currently.
Anyhow after a night of waking every two hours in a panicked state only to find that yes my life really does suck this bad right now I’m going to get up and make som coffee. It’s bound to be 4a somewhere.
May the day be kind and gentle to you and you to it. For if not us, you, he, she, me and we then who??? For I will not go gently into this dark night!!!!
Much love
Benjamin
Expressions of my life - An evolution of art. 
Hugs x
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Hugs
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You will not go gently Dearest B, nor will you go alone. Ever, Kei~xx
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Merci Kei, it’s so hard to not feel utterly unwanted.
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Ben, have you thought about having a friend come and stay with you when you move? Maybe just for a short time to help you adjust. Then… have you thought about having a live-in carer on a more permanent basis? Seems to me you could do with a human touch somehow or other and that when you do move house, you shouldn’t be on your own entirely. Break-ups are bad enough but when you’re not 100 percent fit as well, you need the extra help.
Cheers, Andreas
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Yes as a matter of fact I’m going up to a neighboring town this Wednesday to meet with my Parkinson’s advocate to go over my options. It’s pretty scary right now. I live on disability and since the house I was living in was paid for the idea of having to pay rent and all the things with living alone not to mention the while PD aspect has my brain pretty tossed. I’m really his trying to hold onto the thought that there might possibly be some good to come out of this but right now all sea pretty dark.
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Good, I’m glad you’re going to see the advocate. You probably have to think about selling that house you’re in now so that you have some money and the people you’re leaving have some money to start again. You’ve a right to exist as well, just because you’re ill doesn’t mean you’re worthless so be a little bit selfish for once. You have some sort of a future and your assets are a part of that, you have human rights. What do you need? Two rooms to live in, one that is for living arrangements and one for a studio. Make sure the advocate writes everything down for you so that you can refer to it later. I’m sure that you will make adequate recompense for the people you are leaving but don’t leave yourself out of the equation, it’s not right. In any world, it’s not right. May God bless you đŸ™‚
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Thank you my friend. Actually I’m leaving everything for the family and it is I who is starting over. Though I was the one who was told to leave I do not wish to disrupt my families home any more than necessary. They are still my priority. I need so very little to survive and thrive in this life.
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All my love as much as you can feel from yes a stranger but also a human being who has been there. Hugs and kisses sweet sweet B xxx
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I send my love and warm thoughts to to you dear B. a stranger I may be but I am a human being who knows and feels some of your pain. Tight hugs and gentle kisses for a man I truly admire and feel so much for with every word read.
Big Love
DarlingDebs xxxx
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Thank you truly…
B~xx
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