More words….

Paths change.. life’s web ebbs and flows in ways often unpredictable I think at time the best we can hope for is just to hold on for dear life and hope we come out on the other side intact or at least in some resemblance of what we thought we were before the maelstrom engulfs us fully.
Often with no recourse do we survive these things that life puts in front of us. I sit here today a man in limbo yet again. First Parkinson’s takes the life I knew away and forces me to reexamine my life. Now I prepare to set forth on what may prove to be the most intense soul searching deep and painful journey of my life. Being asked to leave my entire life as I now know it. I’m fearful because of my Parkinson’s and lack of real humans in my life. I’m fearful that my sons life will change in a way that will hurt him beyond what I can help him heal.
Today I sit hear In fear of the paint as I’m unsure if I’m ready to look those demons in the eye. Oddly though there is a calm inside me that can see a better tomorrow the part I fear is the fact that despite seeing a better tomorrow I can’t see the path to which to follow. So again I leap with blind faith that those who truly love me and that the universe will catch me as I shed this next layer. And try to become the man I was born to be.

I know of no other way to escape the pain, fear and heartache I’m feeling right now. So I apologize for filling your readers with such sorrow. I know my pain is no more great or less than any of yours and many of you have been through such things as well.
Thank you for your friendship, kindness and understanding as I work through these highly complex set of emotions.

Much love and light.
Benjamin
2014

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28 thoughts on “More words….

  1. Just checking in with you tonight. I too am wondering why you need to move right now? The emotional and physical complexities are huge and more than most could manage in a short time. Perhaps I misunderstood … I hope so as to do otherwise could be fraught with hazards. Insist you be given the respect and space that you decide when you are ready to make this abrupt change! You don’t have to interact to live in the same space. Just my 3 cents…. xxx

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  2. I’ve been there and I get it… I can say one thing for sure and that is that your son is gonna be pissed at you both, no way around it. And no matter what. It’s hard on them to feel like they SHOULD choose. Very probable he feels he has NO choices at all. Thus anger will come.

    Long story short, there’s no winning so you must do what you need to #1-STAY SANE! Otherwise you’re no good to him or yourself. Believe it or not, he will respect you more if you show respect for who you are and be clear in what you can do. Be real.

    He is no longer a child and this will grow him up fast, as you well know. No need to be warrior or knight. Kids see thru everything! I know that now, in hindsight. 😦

    Sorry. I’m blunt as you know but it comes from deep compassion. This is one hell YOU’LL need lots of compassion for YOU to get thru. xxxxxxxxxx

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  3. Use your tubes of paint as therapy, paint what is in your heart. The end result may be darker than your usual array of beautiful colours but it might ‘talk’ to you and help your understanding.
    hugs x

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  4. I am so sorry you are going through this, dear friend. Sometimes life-changing events bring us new perspectives and new understandings of what is important and what is more relevant to our well-being and happiness. Sadly not everyone around us can follow us on the new journey. Sometimes we are on the other end, wondering why things can’t go back to where they are “supposed to be”…

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