More words** not of a pleasant nature but very real

Sometimes I feel me slipping away..
Beneath the pills and pain.
Silently watching the shakes and quakes.
Silently screaming as the words fail time and time again to come from my mind to my mouth.
The worst nightmare one can imagine.
To slowly slip away in both body and mind. To watch helplessly as one fades….fades away…..
Like a cannibal chef slowly carving off slices,..one…piece at a time… Taken away by the sandman.
Rotten bastard that he is…
So much memories hovering just above,….Just out if reach.
It’s comical to watch a life fade away in a burning bright cosmic flash of brilliance dimmed by time, fear and pain.
More pills create more movement
More movement creates
More pain… More pain creates more pills and the circle is complete.

Painting brings me peace
It brings a place where I
Can be with me, calm whole
Within myself.
No wiggles no shakes
Just the rhythm of the paint
The smell, taste and touch
Colors only eye can see
Keeping me at peace with myself
Locked away deep in my life hidden from all eyes.
I feel me dying each day and I’m worried.
Free yet trapped by my connection with this form.

B~xx

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28 thoughts on “More words** not of a pleasant nature but very real

  1. It breaks my heart to read this. Sometimes I forget what you are battling everyday as your words are so uplifting, so positive. I can only imagine what you go through. My own experience with M.E. and my recently late FIL’s dementia lend me some insights but not the whole picture. I am so glad that the brush and colours bring you some respite and that I have a wee piece of that good space. There’s always an ear and a shoulder here ~xo

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    • Thank you Kei I try not to complain here in WP but sometimes it’s the only place I can. The rigidity that PD causes is far more extreme than I ever imagined. I mean really how can a Dr tell you what to expect. Let’s just say it’s unpleasant, like try to stretch a frozen rubber band.

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      • To be a stranger in your own skin… as a ballerina, I can’t imagine, as a person, I don’t know I’d have the strength to deal. Sharing brings awareness and I think that’s important. I’m like you, try not to say too much on WP but there are many here who will do their best to support you on those days. Take care B. I’m close by today.

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  2. I wish you as much peace and painting as possible in your life of suffering. I’ll pray a prayer for you for it too, so it’s more than empathetic sentiment… I am vaguely acquainted with a musician in Nashville named Timbre who suffers pain from Tendonitis who I pray for, for relief and patience with her pain, and I’ll try to make it a point to pray for you too when I pray for her… What’s your first name, so I’m praying for more than just B? 🙂

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    • The rigidity is settling in deeper these days and the dystonic cramping is pretty harsh. It’s literally pulling my jaw out of socket. So I’m waking in the middle of the night with a dislocated jaw. Not what I’d call a pleasant wake up call.

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  3. no words to express Sir B
    tongue tied
    I silently keep an eye on your amazing artistry
    I am in awe and you are an inspiration
    Sending you spirited howls
    I believe the spirit of animals especially the canine/lupin have positive influences
    I’m surrounded by them constantly and am blessed to be at peace
    You are in my thoughts and prayers

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  4. God, as I read my reader going backwards into my sleepless night, I find you’ve had another bad one in all depts. there are times I become quite angry at the injustice of these incurables nobody really wants to see til it’s staring them in the face, never to look away. I too am here. Not much i can do but keep you within my own tired heart- mind, remembering your suffering and never look away. Sometimes I believe it us stubborn ones who have all the luck. I guess it only seems that way since, we’re we not so stubborn, we’d likely have moved onto higher places…. Or something like that. Seems I’m not so cheery myself! xox

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  5. There are no words that I can come up with as I stare at my screen that seem adequate. Even as I pray for you, I just give my heart to God in this situation and trust that He is holding you through all you are going through. I am so blessed to see how greatly you are loved here. I cannot imagine you going through this without the support you receive. You are loved!!

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  6. Ah, B, how do you manage to always be so upbeat in your comments to others?
    I could not continue the way you do, always offering peace and love to others.
    I’m so glad you have your painting, being creative is a therapy of huge mind in it’s own way x

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