Make it stop…please, can’t you make it stop.

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In such small places do I find peace
Hiding under rocks and cracks in the street.
A single leaf placed by nature as it will and seen in a way only my eyes can see.
My body betrays me today as I push and pull against the madness of me
Muscles clenched in a endless game of tug of war.
The pain surges like a broken oceans tides splashing electrical discontent
Across the landscape of my frozen body.
Find the pills!! A small voice from the depths of my darkness screams, each step a mile in the making. So….slow…..this body goes at times.
Joints locked by an unseen jailer dangling keys just out of reach… So close yet so far away……..
The End
Benjamin
2014

** yesterday’s visit went well with my new doctor. She’s thorough and it seemed she was willing to form her own assessment of my symptoms and not just read chart notes. After driving up to Portland, having my visit then driving back walking in the door and instantly cooking dinner when it came time to sit my body/mind crashed and it crashed hard. I slept straight through my pm pill alarm again!!! I woke at 3a this morning in some of the worst overall body pain I’ve had in a long time. See the carbidopa-levodopa keeps the stiffness away so not taking my pm pills is bad come morning time. Since taking a huge handful of pills at 3a my joints have released enough for me to be able to write this but the fatigue and hip pain is still extreme. I intend to stay home and paint today. Sleep, paint,write rinse and repeat. Okay well I’m going to put the phone down and rest.
I hope the day gives you all your heart desires.
Much love
Benjamin
2014

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32 thoughts on “Make it stop…please, can’t you make it stop.

  1. The way you open with talking about the peace you find in “small places” makes the punch of the pain you are in all the more poignant. A powerful piece. Thank you…

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    prewitt1970 posted: ” In such small places do I find peace Hiding under rocks and cracks in the street. A single leaf placed by nature as it will and seen in a way only my eyes can see. My body betrays me today as I push and pull against the madness of me Muscles clenched in “

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  2. i hate hearing about the pain.. makes me sad! if i had a magic power, it’d be to help (you) people take pain away. i hope all is well and that painting again has given you more joy. sending happy thoughts to you. connie

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    • Thank you Connie, it’s a day to day battle with me unfortunately. Actually spoke with my new neuro about that on Monday. And how we had ruled out RA and cancers and were left with me being the not so lucky 1% with central and peripheral nerve pain. Sadly there’s not much science can do because it’s so hit and miss as to when my brain/nerves decide what hurts and what doesn’t. But each day is a chance for the new and unknown and each day I strive to thrive in this life and body. As always thank you for your kindness.
      Sincerely
      Benjamin

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      • Benjamin, although you are in a particularly hard position, you are a very strong human being. The fact that you conclude your message to me in such a positive and hopeful way means that your difficult situation isn’t conquering you.. you are conquering it. You probably already know this though.

        Whatever you do and wherever you go and however you feel at a given day, you will always be a light to others and yourself. It’s just who you are. Everyone has their own challenges, and your handling yours so gracefully, honestly and strongly. Best wishes to you and your family. Sincerely, Connie

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