Honesty: an introspective morning


** Excerpt from Journeys 2 page.
So after getting a few hrs of sleep I woke in a very introspective mood. With all the fuss about the opening I didn’t really have time to think about how seeing that painting I did for my father made me feel. It was also hard to be at the opening by myself, I’m not sure how many of you out there have situations where a person that theatrically should support you doesn’t, but I do. Let’s just say with out going into to much detail out of respect that it’s often viewed at home that my Art is an unnecessary expense, all leave it at that. Back to my father. He used to own a video production company as well as write code and create systems for warehouse inventory management systems. So if any of you work for Krogers (market) in the warehouse then you see a small part of my dad everyday you go to work. Any how about 4 hours before he died he sent me an email wishing me a happy birthday and that he was going to go test out this new motion harness for his film camera and would see me the next day as it would be my 37th birthday. That night I found out he died of a massive heart attack while driving home after the video shoot. I’ve seen his last film, you can hear him panting from the weight of the unit, I can almost sense that at some point during the shoot that he felt something was wrong. My dad didn’t pant or run out of breath, he was an ultra marathon runner, black belt and healthier at 60 than I’ve ever been. Any how introspective that’s me today. Thinking of my dad, wishing I had a different home life, and heavily contemplative of my art. And wondering about my life with PD, the changes over all, the daily struggles, the depression, anxiety and the pain. The uncertain future that life holds, but that’s not different than anyone I suppose. Ok that’s enough sharing for me for a while. I hope the world holds you all close and keeps you safe today.

14 thoughts on “Honesty: an introspective morning

  1. Introspection… I know it well Benjamin. Necessary to process — and sometimes to reframe. The story of your Dad ~ and the incredible significance of the painting you did in his honor…. touched me. His story does teach us that none of us can predict what our next moment will bring. Your art ~ to me seems ever so healing for you … your oxygen in a sense. What can be more valuable? Introspection … thank you for sharing and always feel loved ~ R


  2. Ben!! Your art is what helps keep those pesky depression bugs from eating your head!!! That’s what it is for me and you and every artist I have ever known!!! It is NOT a frivolous expense!!!
    I remember seeing your Dad running around the Park all the time! Even before I knew you I would see him. He was such a wonderful (and good-looking) guy!! My whole family used to comment on his looks and tenacity as he would run effortlessly around that 10-block radius park!! He was always so sweet to me every time I came to see you! Even when I came in the middle of the night with my first black eye and bloody nose. He didn’t judge at all just helped me to your room and got some ice.
    Ben I really do consider you family as mine are few, sorry I’m tearing up and can’t see…we’ve
    been through so much together in our tiny little lives. I miss you so much sometimes…I wish I wasn’t so stupid and could drive I’d come see you more often. John’s M.S. makes it’s really hard for him to work so much and drive all over, I’m such a scaredy-cat about driving it sucks!! Blah blah blah…I was supposed to be trying to lift your spirits & I went off…sorry.
    I love you Man!!


    • I love you to sweetie and yes we’ve been friends for 19 yrs? I’ll be fine I deal with the whole art diss in stride. One day at a time sometimes hour by hour, what ever works right? Sorry johns MS keep you guys lock in so much but I understand It kicks my but to drive up to OHSU when I do. You know me I’m always around and you my friend know how to reach me… Xo


  3. Wish I could give you a big hug right this second. What Heather said; your painting is very important. When Marty bought a VW Bus and tinkered around with it, was I thrilled? Well, no. But I saw what utter joy it gave him, and that was worth the expense…even if it never really got running! It was so therapeutic for him.

    I am so sorry to hear about your Dad…my own dad passed away 2 years ago from a long illness. These thoughts on mortality reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs: “There’s nothing in the future and there’s nothing in the past, there’s only this one moment and we’ve got to make it last.”

    Lyrics typed out always look dumb, don’t they? Ha! But, you get the meaning. None of us know how long we have, second by second.

    xo xo


  4. You chose a song that has always had such an enormously heavy impact on me. I’ve often listened to it on repeat during my downward spirals of self pity and destruction. The words still hit me as hard today as they did the first time I heard them!
    I wish things were better for you my friend.


    • I listened it this album in the car everyday driving to a from work for about 4 months before I said ok, it’s time to move on, or at least into the next stage of my grief. Thank you for stoping by, I hope you are doing as well as you can my friend I wish you the best always and keep out close in my thoughts.


  5. Pingback: It’s Thursday already? « Connective Tissue Disorders: My Journey

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