***** please be aware that this post spans a number of days, mindsets and emotions. Please know “I’m fine”
There is a tired that grips me so deeply only those on their death beds and those whom live with high levels of chronic pain, neurological disorders and or cancer treatment survivors know about. It’s at the same place where motivation and inspiration used to live. It’s the void of the chemicals that make up our emotions, a rollercoaster made of medicine and a blank rola-dex where my memories used to be. It’s a tired that makes my soul weak. Everyday I dance with a demon that relentlessly tries to steal my thoughts and arrest my movements. Tendons bound and Frozen in place like steel cables taunt, ridged, as I was walking on the bottom of a frozen ocean. Mean while constantly trying to remember what I was doing…
The was a gap in time during the process of writing this piece my words still come quick maybe quicker than ever before, though sadly they escape just as quickly. I’ve been spending long days in deep thought about what I want this life to look like. I hate having to consider the fact that I have Parkinson’s disease. It’s the first thing that people say when I wanna go on an adventure. What about your PD. I hate the fact that this disorder, this disease has taken huge parts of my freedoms away.
There is a quiet reflection in the air today as I sit and listen to sounds of the world around me. I wish so greatly to join them in their searches for new hopes and beginnings…..
Alass tis not my name to do so. My time is spent here on earth broken and discouraged. Having tried and failed a million times. Now with a body, mind that fail me I’m left in a state of panic that I’m forgetting or the fact I have no connection to anything anymore. Unfeathered and unteathered is never a kind state to be in. This wretched body and cursed heart. I miss knowing the answers of life for there was a time when the pictures were clear and the outcomes foreseen. Now all the edges are blurry. I know not of love or an assured heart. I find no calm in afternoon sun. Just a racing mind and body stiff and tired before it’s time. At times I feel my head and my heart could and have been eternal a old soul, so they say but this body, this process of living and dying has worn me thin and removed. I will finally end this 4,5 day thinking session with this. Please know that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing that too are loved and cherished, appreciated and missed.
To the friends and family I have left thank you for the love you have given in this lifetime. Bye for now…
Have you ever reached a point as an adult human where you don’t know what to do with your life.? All I ever wanted in life was to be a Dad, a husband. To have a “family” because growing up I never really had that dynamic. I saw my step moms family,lived with them and my “family” growing up for 5 years…. It seems like out of my lifetime of 48 years that I’d have more than a 5 year learning window of right is supposed to look and feel like. I kind of did, I was happily married for 17 years, then it ended and for the last 5 years I’ve been wandering…
Literally wandering around in life. Got cancer, beat that,lived through mini strokes and still at the end of the day have advancing Parkinson’s disease. I had one of the top 5 worst birthdays I’ve ever had good ole lucky number 48 and I don’t feel like I’ve have the strength to simply cut all ties and move to the mountain house. Though at this point there is literally nothing more than the hope my son and daughter will come around and decided to come back into my life. Keeping me here in Salem. Otherwise I’m sitting here in Salem doing one thing… Slowly dying surrounded by reminders of my failings as a husband, father and friend.
Here’s the catch, do I move out to a place where everything is new. Or do I stay in a living situation that is less than ideal but is familiar, but again not exactly the most healthy??.
That brings us back to the question at hand. As an adult have you ever been at a place in your life where you simply don’t know how to proceed. I’m not young , healthy or rich enough anymore to continue to mess stuff up really these days Parkisons disease makes it really hard at times. I don’t feel like I have the strength to continue to fail, this feeling of trying to continue to grow and thrive as I’ve been trying to live and be. I’m not sure I can continue. I’ve failed at every romantic encounter since my divorce, I’ve lost most of my friend base some I’m fine to see go and some I’m heartbroken to loss their closeness. Now here I sit and look at the day,. What to do with myself with the world as my oyster yet all I can see is a bleak desert.
I’m leaning towards giving up and taking a few years off social media. Going to the mountain house and just painting and gardening. Starting over in a new town with new people whom don’t have a prejudice against me for anything. Who knows.?
***random topic side thoughts
I started out here on WordPress in hopes of connecting with like minded people living with chronic illness. I started writing again started painting again here and sold my first “big sale” in years here. So it seems fitting that I come here for advice on what will be since the birth of my son and the choice to not fight my wife any longer the biggest choice of my life… Would you move and cut all ties. Start new or do I stay go through what will be a hellish fight to get my house back to normal. ** I can always tell when I’m truly deeply hitting my depression points in life, how? When people ask me what I’ve been up to lately and the only thing I can think of saying is”Passing the time”… I’m tired of trying to achieve these goals in life when I keep failing, honestly it makes it really hard to continue. I mean really what’s the point. Anyhow that’s my morning gush of emotional bullshit I’m trying to sort through these days. As I say to you all every day after sharing my heart online, either here or Instagram, praying, doing my morning stretching and meditation. Mayyou have the strength to e the best most true version of you possible. Know you are worthy of respect, honesty, loyalty and love. You are an amazing person just the way you are. Be safe and make good choices.
Today I am thankful for being alive. I’m thankful for those whom I have the blessing to call friend, family. I’m thankful for the birthday wishes and I hope you all have an amazing day.
***Warning If you’re having a good day do not read further. Enjoy your day and know you are loved.
“These are not the droids you’re looking for.”
Today is my birthday:
1970~currently still kicking. 05/31/2018 🙏 one year cancer free.
There are so many ways I could try to explain the amount of feelings I’m have right now but mear words never will equate to the expression needed. The loss I feel is…………Makes the tears that run down my cheeks feel like fire. The panic so deep I wake gasping for air and reaching for a way out from this nightmare I’m in. Sheets soaked in tears and sweat from the night terrors that are ravaged with of what life can be like and what my life is……..
David Burns was right…. “Where is my beautiful wife,and how did I get here,” Again for more reasons and words than I can even remember on this simple Thursday has my heart felt more broken and forgotten about cherished by many loved by few and liked by fewer. All the lights have gone out of these old sails for the sea has grown bitter with rot and remove of misjudged deeds and misspent love. One day all I will be is a pain in your heart or a painting on your wall. That my friends is simply the truth of it.
I’m fine, really just reflecting on a life. I’m lucky I’ve lived a full-life, I’ve had a family with an amazing wife and two beautiful children. I’ve learned humility through loss, family, career, friends. I’ve traveled, I’ve survived throat cancer, chemo and radiation treatments daily for 10 weeks. 1 year later still recovering from the treatments but cancer free went from 225 lbs to 135 and less. But I’m back up to 155. Lbs. I’m thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given and worked for in this lifetime okay… I’m fine.. that’s my new matto. I’m going to try and just paint and write. Parkinson’s disease is doing its job I’m almost 10 years in and it’s kicking my ass. I’m fine….. Anyhow thanks for being here if you made it all the way through. A shaky, grumpy Benjamin.