A time before this time.

Once upon a time before now we were whole. Our family had purpose and plans. A place to be and things to do. Where are they now I wonder. So many things have happened from then to now. Most if which I don’t understand or really even remember. I saw you when I was sick with cancer and going through treatment. I remember you saying that it was getting hard at home. I remember so very very little. I remember that those whom where supposed to be my friends and family closest to me in the geographic sense seemed to not show up in support of the aftermath of cancer treatment. Though I guess nobody really knew the effects 35 radiation treatment and 10 chemotherapy treatment to the head and neck would do to ones self. Who knew what having Parkinson’s disease at 39 years old would destroy a family and lifelong friendships. Who knew that the world would burn down before all our eyes and run rampant with covid-19 *SARS-COR-2

Today I sit and watch something I haven’t seen since mount saint helens blew up, or since I was kid and watched lake Tahoe national forest burn. These times that we are in are no time to be apart, to let things unsaid be unsaid. Once upon a time before all of this we were whole you and I. We could again in a new way of we tried.

Hope, more than a word. The only thing I have left.

It’s been years and I can still hear your laughter as a child. I remember racing home after 16 hr days at work just to read you “If you give mouse a cookie.” To lay there and stare at the ceiling and hear about your day, your thoughts and dreams. I remember thinking, you are the kindest child I’ve ever met and then thinking how proud I was to have made you, to know you and be your Father. I remember family dinner ” that what the best part of your day?” I remember how much I miss you with every breath I take and how I wish I knew that you were okay, alive, or anything besides the void of nothing that stands between us now. I remember Ferry rides and walks on the beach. Easter egg hunts and birthday parties. I remember the only thing I ever wanted growing up was to have a family, a normal family with a normal life. I think we had that for a while. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to ask for the help I needed. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man I was needed to be. Parkinson’s disease is ruthless, the medicines used to treat it are cruel and outdated yet here we are 11 years since that fateful morning your mother and I woke up only to find I could move and ever since then everything has changed. I hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing that you know you are loved and cherished missed and needed.

Always benjamin, your Father, your friend and your biggest admirer.