This and forever more

In to this heart I’ve poured more dust than sunshine over the years, more coal than diamonds a sand storms of soulful woe and heartache.

Into this heart does the demon of hurt and regrett live deep deeper than any human should have to bare. A horrid monster indeed, such hate lay seeded in this heart of the hollow man. Raging hate for this form I’ve become,. a monster of fate and the wicked wicked hands of the devil him self.

Rage harder! This soul shall! Forever more rage against this darkness… This demon of hate that rips the light from the day before a weeping child..I shall not give heed to this darkness anymore for it has darkned this soul enough. I shake with the earth not against it.. Here this heart cry out in pain and woefully joy to rejoice in each day as if were his last…… As Forever do the ravens sing in bliss as this day turns to knight.

The end..

Benjamin-2017 #myshakylife

“Be brave,be bold and thrive in the life you have.”

The heartache of a wolf and the moon.

Twas only the night before they met in eachothers arms or so it felt. For thousands of years in heartache and wandering this lifetime. I’ve seen the faces of old friends change for a lifetime now. I’ve loved and lost more times than the stars have called my name home,..yet I continue to trust her fates. This mother earth who cast her child out to cold streets of life. Cigarette burns to prove the pain never mattered……. hush my beloved wolf!! Spoke the moon… You are breaking my heart for as I drift of love i am always and forever caught in your gravity do I not swoon eachday and night for our return. This moon shines softly upon this wolf but not this day of this story in a life of lifetimes. 

These rambling ramblings of twisted tounges and tongue twisters give not a hollow man’s heartache a bath in soulful joy but simply the reminding of a life a drift in a sea of pain and paint. Lost in words and want. A golden childs heart broken-down, wings clipped and bound by chains of man. 

Fear, I’ve always ran to you. I was the boy who looked you in the eye as you ate him alive. You told me to be strong and I was.  I never stopped working on being the man I was on become. … Is he me or am I he said the mirror to the mirror of mankinds soul. I’m not sure said he, maybe we shall just watch a see.

Thanks for bearing with me on this dump of small black dots. As you may have guessed I’m tired and worried about to much stuff. I’m unhappy with my life at times.  It’s fucking hard recovering from cancer and it’s 9 billion times living with Parkinson’s disease after having cancer.  I have to say from me to you it bloody well sucks and I highly DO NOT RECOMMEND IT. Caught in is loop of wanting to come home but not knowing what that means anymore or what it looks like. 

Anyhow thank you for listening to the rants of a dying man or a man who feels hollow inside. One in the same I suppose. 

Benjamin 2017 “A life in progress. “

Lets start here.

It’s hard to remember when it all first started to change, most of my childhood is blur.

I remember a big yellow sun painted on the ceiling. I remember riding down the freeway on my big wheel thinking I’m outta here. I remember sliding down the side the quarry cliff thinking I’m way to young to die and crap this is really really scary. I remember living in fear of just about everything around me, from the taverns of my youth. Yes it was the 70’s you could smoke and take your kids everywhere. The street lights dictated the time when it was time to come in for the night. Neighbors had names and when you called someone on the phone you never expected them to call right back. My first three years on this planet were hell, full of fear and the terror of knowing but not being able to express. It’s like being trapped in a shell, not unlike my life as a big person. I digress this is about the beginning. The years of Angels in the river and Devils in the walls. Of long angelic talks with my aunt L and running from demons that manifested in the back yard. After the first three years things changed….


I would spend the next 5 years thinking that most everything was great. D had married J and they had 2 kids my lil bros and the world seemed like everything was going well…. The dear ole D met R, proly fucked her a few times and then…. Well like 50% of the marriages in the USA it ended. My “normal” life ended and the chaos and fear returned. My brothers were swept away and the solemn day when I got into the car and we drove away. Never to really spend anytime with my brothers again until we were adults. So here I am 8 living in Salem Oregon D is at work I’m left to a hot dry breakfast in the oven, a key and message of love from a guy I would come to never really know yet always seek the approval of. This lasted for a while, how long I’m not sure. I just remember being alone for what felt like forever. Then finally my Grandmother Ruth would come to the rescue. She was the single most influential person in my life and little did I know that the strength she would give me, teach me would last me a lifetime and be the building blocks of what would become my mantra for life. Thrive!!! Live a life worth remembering and be kind to ALL people. To learn from each situation and always and forever be hungry for life and the pursuit of happiness. PS I’m on my laptop and have no idea how to use this format lol so im gonna post and edit later……. stay tuned for more stories of the past