Have you ever truly thought about what it means to live one day at a time. To live a life with no foreseeabke future. Living with a disorder that clouds your future to the point of obscurity. In our youth we find this thrilling a desire above so many others. Freedom to do as one wishes with no societal controls. The freedom to act with a selfish thoughtless greed. Then sickness or poverty hits.. A time in life when one must look up from the life of daily dailies and leave the confines of sickness. What if when you do everthing has changed for the worse. What if the motion that carried you has stopped. What if the passion that fueled your drive has burnt you to ground one to many times in life. What if you wake up and almost all the people you thought cared had passed judgment upon your head and heart. What if your own family had lost its need for you. What then.?
That life of living each day for the day looking back gave you nothing but heartache and sorrow. What if the future you saw never made up its mind up always changed kept you guessing what was next..Would you chose to live this life of faith and heartache. I’ve become a man so lost and scorned by his peers i fear my fate in this town, this life means nothing. I’ve made to many bad choices. To many leaps of faith that have ended with me crashing to ground before all to see. Sadly in the end none of it matters for we are all selfish scared creatures of the flesh. I put my heart my sleeve to many times only to have it soiled. By bad choices and users. Are you in my life for good of me or the good of you? If my life ends does it matter? Has it ever mattered for more than just a blink of time,. This bag of bones and shaky skin.
If i could still run. i would run and never stop, burn this flesh to the bone of exhaustion for my heart and soul have nothing more to give. I exists in a house of fear and uncertain futures. I’ve lost my star and gained a a universe of unknown potentials all the while my heart breaks and fear pours from every oraphus.
Lost wandering in a crowd of vultures if i knew what was right then I’d chose but this disease of the nerves as left me blind. Everything is grey as I pray for clarity yet recieve ambiguous signs of fate. My heart and soul want to be done with this struggle. I’m to tired and sad. To care about much of anything. If I’m shown no hope then no hope is what i have. If I’m shown love and affection then it is that what i believe. I cannot guess or see anymore that gift has been taken from me.
Now it’s time to bleed the paint from my broken soul once again. Once again i will paint this nightmare of a life in beautiful colours so all can be happy. So that colours of bright greens and golds can wash over you as you are thankful for your things.. I will watch you from the gutters of this life. So eat and drink like kings and queens on mankind. I will sit and paint and write my finals days on this earth then waves goodbye as the seasons change. For i am no longer needed here. You’ll be alright without me. God will still be there for you as will all those you convent so dearly. It’s just I who have grown tired of this mortal coil. This burnden is to great at times. Life lived on day at time for those who don’t have privilege looks like the end eachday. It doesn’t look or feel like freedom. I looks like hell feels like hell and burns the life straight out of ones soul daily. That is why eachday i so desperately seek things of great beauty for the darkness engulfs me at every point and the further you wander from the light the easier the darkness can find you..
Forgive me for my sins, as it says around my neck, forgive my transgressions against man and creature alike. For in the end when the darkness swallows me whole i hope i gave you enough light to carry you along your path. I hope you find the peace in this life i could not. Fear not of these words for they won’t be my last but but they, you and this life have broken me. Walk just one mile in my shoes, live with stage 6-7 pain for as many years as i have, fight with corp greed when you’ve not even enough sense to know what days it is. Love blindly those who would leave you wondering in life where you stand or why you even stand at all of the lack sincerity. Then cast your judgement upon me….. The End.
Thank you for allowing me to write here. To express my fears, dreams and desires openly without judgemental eyes. This was a post nap free write. May the day bring hope, love and faith. Love being the most important thing of all for it binds us together in hope that better days will come.
Today… It draws closer to the time of the year again where I miss you most of all. The chill comes to the ground again as the leaves have almost all gone. Every Sunday for years you were mine, now I’m not even sure where you are. Sadly life wasn’t what we thought it would be. Nor has it been ever since. The Parkinson disease came and changed it all. Then cancer came and scared you away. In this life i feel ive done it all. No the dieing time has come. God or Allah, Krishna or Buddha and Gai,whom ever name you use in honor your faith has begun to take all of it away and that which hasn’t been taken im giving away freely. I’ve been humbled completely i have a roof a bed and some health insurance.. Bankruptcy looms as Cigna takes their sweet time turning what was one of my worst nightmares into a reality. Shame on they’re houses. I’m tired and I’ve lost hope. Slowly im trying to just breath, cant pay the bills, just wsiting dfor life to finally consume me whole and spit out the bones and ben done with me. I wish i knew what path to take
Agnosia and Parkinson’s Anxiety have start to settle in the Agnosia being the largest hurdle I’ve met yet with PD… Imagine every choice in your life being taken from you. Nothing feels anymore its all grey or gone no joys and hatered… Just grey piles. And piles of grey emotionless pain… I know its pain because i can see it in their eyes. Your eyes looking at me as i change… As this disease blinds and drags me through time. All I have is faith now. I saved by an Angels when i was young, saved from drownding, then again as a teen, so many times. Freezing to death and car crashes. Cancer as an adult. Now virtually friendless and unforgiven by many who would rather judged than do their homework. But hey its okay right. I’m just another human male. Broken and useless to a society that lives on looks and money. Both of which for me are fading or in jeopardy.. This life has given so much more than it has taken for a man can not live on memories alone especially with PD. Parkinson’s disease only takes. It changes daily and crushes my soul and body relentlessly. I have grown tired today.. On any given Sunday you could have shoukd have been with me.
I tried to lift you up, Yet you dropped me when i fell. You were the one i thought. The one i thought would ease the burden of this body, heart and soul.
You judged me when I mispoke, when the charges of my mind collided. You were here to sooth and recognise but rather met me with distain and disgust in your eyes. This though is not your biggest sin, no. Your biggest sin is the inabilty to it let go and let grow the seeds that were planted. By words far smarter than I.
My rib is yours, is it not? Tho it seems these lessons you never really learned or somehow just forgot. Do we not all have a pair of wings and devils horns. Is free will not the death of human kind. Simple little choices like yours, like mine.
There was a time when i believed in young love. A time when roses where full and fresh, the air bright and full of desire. Those days of wine and roses have come and gone one thousand times and not a day has pasted that my soul hasn’t died a thousand deaths since I left your hearts desire.
Colder the nights have grown without you by my side. Just the whirl of the heater and the electric hum of the tv to replace the beating of your heart. I never knew life could change so quickly or dramatically in a day. But i guess life and death are just one simple human heart beat apart arn’t they…?
Tonight this heart beats alone and tired from the battles of this body and mind. The cost to high to measure by hand of man, surely my misdeeds must be great for this punished life to warrant such chaos and pain of tortured soul. Shall there be no true angels left amongst the dead. The end.
“Be brave,be bold and thrive in the life you have.” you never know when things will change but change they will.