Could it be

Small dark places in my heart and soul is where the child me hides. I’ve kept safe for all these years just for. He is brave and loyal. He is true and honest. He loves to a fault and give without question or remores. He is me the child heart that is blind to all of this take his hand and recieve mine in kind. Since time stop and prayers were answered i believe you could be she… But does your heart bare the strength to recieve the gift of pure love. A love to lift you up, a love to catch you should you slip. A gentleman who would patiently wait for the lock to open. Only to be invited shall i come to your side. All my love always.


May all your dreams come true



The winds have a chill early this year and the trees are as red as can be. I sit here pondering life as the last of the night slips away just before dawn kisses her hello and goodbyes to the moon.

I find myself so torn and so truly overwhelmed by life. This inability to focus or remember. This “Grey” tone to life emotionally as i feel no chemical connection no evocation besides fear, confusion and the dissolusions of dreams. Yet each day I wake pray for all to be strong enough to be the best person they can be whilst, i struggle daily with simply moving around the house. I pause millions of times in my head and hundreds of times in a day as i struggle to express verbally how I feel but my tonal changes in voice influction often prohibit me from accutately getting things across. Same with my word find. But ya know there is still beauty in the day. The sun has started to rise through the morning fog. Silohettes of great pines stand strong against the sun as it breaks the tree line.

Today I’m thankful for the little that I have, for it means the world to me. A few friends, close and dear. A few dreams yet met to give up a chance and the faith that all will be well in the end. Much love and light.

Benjamin. “Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.” You never truly know when things will change,, and they will.

0303 am 12-10-2017

Waking from dead sleep to feel my heart break across the shores of life. This world so ufair as people use each eachother for their own cruel intent. Heart string break so easily yet mend almost never to full strength. Sadly you never really loved me. You were a princess, a broken ballerinia with heart of gold and thw morals of devil her self. You take what you wish then leave when its hard. Blame others of not understanding and then throw away the one who can see you clearly yet didn’t mind. Had one question. Just the truth, could have been yes could have no. Coukd have been blue for all i care i just wanted an answer and you…. You were to scared. Or maybe you’d another, which Id like to think was true because what you did to me i’d never do to you.

***3am words from a dead sleep.


Early morning thoughts

Good morning. I find it interesting as i get older and as my Parkinson’s disease progresses I find the time and energy I put into people is considersbly less. Like say i meet a person i think id like to hang out with or get to know. I used to pine and really try to do the “Hey Hi, I’m me courtship dance.”

Now, not so much, I think I’ve reached a point in this life where i really don’t give a shit about physical love. Which is sad bc Im a very physical person. But it has become near impossible to read peoples intent and i’ve been lied to and manipulated to much in this life. I pray each day to be a better man. To have the strength eachday to continue to spread light and love. I pray for a companion to embrace me as much as I they… But alass, all that come I to orbit have agendas or are sadly not strong enough to deal with the reality of my life with PD. Im slowly realizing my Angels are busy saving their own lives. Someday i’ll find one who understands my kind of commitmemt. My kind of dedication and love. For when it is truly given to those whom shown their loyalty and purity it is given fully and completely with a single minded heat and passion most have never seen. Tis sad to have such passion and desire to embrace, exhalt, cherish and nurture another soul yet have no place to put it. So until that day when another pledges to me…. I shall retreat… Forget the touch of loves taste, or the sound of loves heart beat next to mine. In the end we all die alone maybe God is telling me to start practicing for the end. Maybe this is the end and i just dont see it clearly anymore as this disease ravages my heart, body and mind..

It rained today and wished….