Monday -monday how could it be….?🎶

There are few times in which I feel most whole and normal. It’s probably when I’m in the most pain but my head is the most clear. It’s when I wake up first thing. My head hasn’t been filled with words and other people’s emotions and thoughts. The city is quiet everyone is asleep and world is peacefully sleeping. This is when I am most a one this myself . I can feel the tension in my tendons ready to snap over the slightest movement. Slowly I wake stretching each tiny bit and piece . Eventually making so my feet touch the floor, I’m sitting with my back straight ,knees bent and ready to stand up….15-20 mins later IM UP!!!

Yeah getting in a standing position from sitting has become more and more difficult. I’ve developed sciatica on my right side now which is making sitting or standing for longer than 10-15 min at a time excruciatingly painful but hey what’s a fella gonna do? I have to be sitting or standing?? Right, I’m not sure what the other natural human position would be?

Okay sooooo my mornings ,today for instance. I woke up at 230am after sleeping form 3-10p 12-230a 🤔🤔🤔 sounds bout right. Lately my body has been going through it’s biannual sleep switch where my days and nights switch. It’s a PD thing, I used to think it was me just being weirdo but thankfully no, every six months or so I swing to nights then back again. Hey built in reality/perspective changer right lol . I just roll with it 😂😂.

So pain in the AM. Yep by the truck load . Over the course of the night my body tightens up as I sleep the meds slowly leaving my system. So I wake kinda like it feels after you’ve been really really cold or sitting for a seriously unusually long amount of time in a very very confined space. It’s pretty wild tbh. I promised myself today that I would be kind to myself in the way I self talk.

Since Arizona and the things that happened just shortly after coming home those events killed whatever self-esteem I had left. I’ve been recovering from the trauma of those events and now six months later I’m at a place where I can think about what direction I’d like to go. I’m finding since these events my self-esteem is crap. My self talk is negative and I’m spending to much time looking outside myself for happiness. Valentine’s day really showed me that. So today Monday the whatever of February? I’m not going to let negative self talk enter my head and heart. I wanted to not complai about stuff on this post. Kept it real and not to heavy , at least I don’t think to heavy. Remember the weight of your burdens is dependent upon your perception of their weight. Think about that for while. Trying to keep it real and feel but still have the power to heal.

Much love and light.

Benjamin. 2019

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Special days

I have nothing good to say today. So I’m going to say everything by writing nothing. Well nothing compared to the whole I space I was ready to tare..

Two humans whom I’ve recently known have given me the opportunity to realize my greatest fears and pushed me to grow further than I realized I could and for that I’ll say thank you. May the good Lord take you sooner than later. Just saying 😉

Happy Valentines day.

Sincerely. Benjamin