In time

I will find another life to lead until then this one I’ve used to death, it’s time is near. I can feel it in my bones and my soul. This heart doesn’t want this life , it’s that simple. People for the last few years have been so vocal about how strong I am , brave for going it alone, cancer, Parkinson’s the trauma of losing a family a house and my past, present and future taken from you. For those of you while been paying attention.. This adventure has sucked . To be honest I’m really just hanging out to see what happens . I’ve almost no motivation or desires for my own personal self anymore. The lack of dopamine in my head literally makes everything bland… It’s hand to explain when one doesn’t have sustained emotions and when I do they are often associated with truama. Why because for the most part since my wife decided I was not in the plan. Then 2 years with Katelyn and I split it’s been nothing but hell with moments of very brief sunshine. PD has made it so I literally can’t tell who’s on my side or not. Visual Agnosia is a horrible thing. Not understand or I should say recognizing the social warning signs until it’s to late has become detrimental to my existence. But here’s the thing, I’m not sure I really wanna live like this. No companion to keep me from making stupid choices or helping me guide through what’s left of this life. Sure soon I’ll take my final tests for DBS hopefully I’ll get in surgery as planned and I’ll be able to tell you guys of what it’s like to have two implants put permanent into your skull and zapped with electrical current. Yay, go me wooohooo ..FML

Some of you may be thinking but why be upset you get this chance to continue to live….. Yes I realize this obviously and I retort I’d say. Have you not been paying attention, what part of my life is good to the point of no return.. well let’s look.

I’ve no home , except for with friends and at 49 that’s kinda a big FAIL. I’ve no job or real prospect to make more money than I currently get and if I do 2 things will happen, if it’s Physical work, which is what the farm and gardens are. I’ll destroy my body in the process because PD and this type of work don’t mix well. 2. I’ll make enough money to have to pay a crap ton of taxes. So let’s see, constantly in pain, constantly unsure if I’m making the right choice,(even about simple stuff) visual and audio hallucinations all day everyday, freezing in place or locked in as they say, losing ones balance and mobility, tendons pulled so tight that you can ear them strum across my bones as I get dressed,walk ….

I’m not even sure where to go from here. This crap plus the normal shit all of the rest of you*us* have to deal with on a daily basis except for in my end , there are no family to help pick up the pieces and for the very very few I do have left. They have their own burdens . Aunts and uncles. I’d never put the full weight of this beast I carry on anyone, so my mom helps when she can but as many of you know ..as.much as. I do love my momma with everything I am. I have no desire to live in th desert again. If a had it my way I’d glass Arizona in heart beat just to disappear that Paula women. Anyhow I’ll die in the pnw or in a village in Europe. That the only place I’ve felt at home since PD kicked in. Canada, Scotland, England (somewhere) or Spain. So there ya go. I’m here at the bottom of this fucked up life looking up at all of you wondering how did I fall so far. Once I had a freaking epic job. 12 years in the video game and electronic field, two great kids and a fantastic wife. A huge house with some land. We had finally made it 😜ðŸĪŠðŸ˜œðŸĪŠ turns out my mother-in-law hated me so once the PD kicked and the bad medicine , followed by a fuck ton of literally the wrong medications. Remember I was under dx for two years..That’s two years of taking the wrong highly impactful brain medications that WERE THE WRONG ONES. people have met me with such harsh judgement of the last five years . But you know the saddest part of all. Is once a person doesn’t have a family. Nobody is obligated to help. Not like family, family stays no matter what, especially in cases of health. I mean really what kind of person would I be if I’d let either one of my grandmothers die alone..

Then again I guess that’s why I’m sleeping in a bed that’s not mine, with hand me down clothes and broken art supplies. No future, except for the farm and tiny house goals. But to be honest, that’s more for my housemate and his life a legacy for his family. At this point I’m tired, tired of fighting, tired of being alone and tired of trying to explain all this crap to people.. so there you go. My state of mind. And please hold your tongues on the comments. If anyone says oh it’s not been that hard or your blowing this out of proportion.. Be prepared to have me forget who you are completely..This words are not .LET ME REPEAT, THESE WORDS ARE NOT UP FOR INTERPRETATION..this isn’t a story you get assume stuff on. It’s not a fictional adventure tale. It’s my life and I’m giving you the perspective of the human who’s living it. That’s all..

B2020. I’m sure I’ll write more because this is what I have left. When your never going to get better people stop asking how you are… So this is the only way I can speak my truths and not have to burden any one soul.y photos, my writing and hoping to be able to paint a while more before I go. Who knows we shall see. On that note happy Friday for to you time keepers out there. Over and out. Benjamin

Here we are again..

Realized something this morning.. I’m broken to love and affection. After my experience with Paula in Arizona I’m not sure I’m ever truly going to be able to trust another woman again. Recently I’ve had a number of people reach out to me, Everytime something in me is triggered that senses danger and I’m ready to bail. Sadly at this point in my parkisons disease I can deceren between those who have the best or worst intent for me. Anyhow needless to say, me being triggered messing up everything seems to be the going aftermath of my life these days ,😔😔😔😔 sad really. Anyhow I’m going to paint ,write and forget about love or anything of the sort. I’m just not sure that what’s left of me after all the stuff that I’ve anything to offer anyone.

Bye, b2020 #leftbehind

Happy Birthday

That’s all I can say in fairness. I never wanted the way thing to be the way they are. I hope you know that. None of this was ever supposed to be like this. I planned for the safety of my family, the success of us. I just never planned on doing it with my family.. I’m sorry I failed you Andersen and Isa so terribly. I wish All of us would have had the strength to be a better family for each other… I hope that life has brought back normal to all of you. Sincerely Benjamin M Prewitt. Dad, father, friend and ex-husband 😔

Take it, it’s broken and I can’t fix any more

Good evening and welcome on Valentine’s day and I come to you I’m a very strange place.I’m using voice dictation on this and I’m trying to speak clearly but not loudly because it’s late. I need this to be said when I needs to be heard and understood. Something that maybe people want to live with Parkinson’s disease don’t know. It controls blood pressure emotions ,movement, taste, smell. Dopamine is the chemical that our brain and body use to deliver these messages. Everyone takes for granted every second nanosecond your body is telling everything to do something right. Mine doesn’t do that anymore and doesn’t feel right inside or out. I’m writing this tonight from a very dark place recently my said goodbye to two people that told me they loved me to told me that they would be there for me, they were wrong. I was wrong to have fallen for another heart. It’s funny to be me where I am now writing to you here. As I write this and three fiber of my being isn’t stage 7 stage 8 pain I can barely think straight. If it would do any difference I would cry I could throw up the pain is so bad. It’s not the pain of a broken bone or a broken heart . It’s an ache that doesn’t go away but starts in your bones across through your flesh turn to get you in mind and then it wraps around every fiber and squeezes. I am tired now it’s been 10 years and everything about this has been hard. I’ve had lovers but no one that loves me. And I have people that love me but even then with good reason a fearful to look me in the eye. Because at the end of the day there’s only one thing that happens with me. Parkinson’s disease will take my life it will slow my mind to the point where I don’t recognize you anymore it will take my legs acid has started to it’ll take my arms as it has started to take my mind as it has struggled to it is and will take over every physical capacity I have and it will take it from me. I have to say that that is scary and I don’t want to talk about it anymore because you know what I’m alone that’s right I’m sitting here right now by myself. So when we talk with loneliness and we talked about fear these are the depth in which I speak these are the realities that I face everyday ripped me to pieces every second of this life. The only way I know to make any of this any better is to try and tell a story to let somebody know what this is like I got to go I’m physically sick then I’m afraid I can’t tell you the fear what it’s like what you have lost everything that you love and how’s the world show me such a ugly faces I don’t know but I have any desire to do this for another 10 years and I certainly can’t do it alone I want anything you sit and watch me paint and bright and to live this nightmare.. I hope those are you watching I hope you learned something I have any of this was what something. Because for me this is literally a living nightmare good night I hope that you are happy.