T’is in the deepest hours of the morning that I miss you the most. Here with crickets a coffee and smoke, by the light of phone I sit wonder. I sit and weep. It feels like electric lava, waves of panic and horrific shock roll over each ripple on my brain as the reality of my life and loss of connection to self and everything, everyone around me. I don’t expect for anyone to understand but it needs to be written. Needs to be said before I can’t remember anything about the past. I will not be here much longer . I don’t say this fear or anger, nor am I sad or in any more pain mentally or physically than I am on any given day. What I say is a reality of my condition. It’s coming on 11 years of this burden of Parkinson’s disease and I’m pretty sure nobody figured I’d live through the cancer, lol. Yet here I am writing this memo to self and those who find me here. We now live in a time that I never imagined would actually come. A time where our government is openly dishonest and deeply corrupt, racist, sexist and fraudulent. Where the Church and the Boy Scouts pay dues for their atoned sins. A time where we are quarantined and paced apart. Where this SARS-COR-2 has changed the socialogical landscape of the planet. A time when we are so scared and confused as a people that we fight amongst ourselves about the very things that are simply a living truths. Yes there is virus, yes our government is corrupt. I haven’t seen or spoken to my son or step-daughter, though I never thought of her a ( step) anything. Imagine that you woke up from bad dream and found out that the world and reality you lived in had changed completely. I can’t even begin to express the depth of this soulful pain. I don’t even know what happened , I don’t understand how or why my experience in Arizona had to happen . I don’t understand or remember why everything had to change so completely. For 16 I was the most dedicated father, husband and friend I think human being could have been. All I’ve ever wanted was a family, to feel supported and safe. I thought families worked it out, I thought friends stayed through thick and thin. Sadly they don’t. I’m not sure if I’m going to continue to be online in any capacity anymore. My PD has gotten to the point where I can’t think, I can’t complete tasks , I can’t remember to eat. I’m not sleeping well or living a life that shows any type of future besides succumbing to the burdens I bare. Soon I’ll be in full braces *two weeks. I’ve reached out to the best of my ability and I don’t know what else to do. Be well.
Benjamin M Prewitt.
Once upon a time before now we were whole. Our family had purpose and plans. A place to be and things to do. Where are they now I wonder. So many things have happened from then to now. Most if which I don’t understand or really even remember. I saw you when I was sick with cancer and going through treatment. I remember you saying that it was getting hard at home. I remember so very very little. I remember that those whom where supposed to be my friends and family closest to me in the geographic sense seemed to not show up in support of the aftermath of cancer treatment. Though I guess nobody really knew the effects 35 radiation treatment and 10 chemotherapy treatment to the head and neck would do to ones self. Who knew what having Parkinson’s disease at 39 years old would destroy a family and lifelong friendships. Who knew that the world would burn down before all our eyes and run rampant with covid-19 *SARS-COR-2
Today I sit and watch something I haven’t seen since mount saint helens blew up, or since I was kid and watched lake Tahoe national forest burn. These times that we are in are no time to be apart, to let things unsaid be unsaid. Once upon a time before all of this we were whole you and I. We could again in a new way of we tried.