F.I.N.E.

Into the heart of darkness man falls so so quickly to his death. A labor of love and loss of sacrifice and supplication given without proper consent yet given freely non the less. Not the human we were nor the human we shall be, yet who and what are we now. 

Now hearts and prayers, minds and souls, bodies meshed bonded by heartstrings torn and twisted barely a breath between them as God’s fire rages in his Angels souls. Such grace in naivety and such wisdom behind a mask worn just for me, such lessons have yet to be painted, yet to be torn from this body like like ravenous vultures to rotten corpse. Yet to be taken from your rotting The dawn comes soon.. I should leave this place of words and wisdom. Place of freedom. Hope and dreams come true and ended. Until next time my dear friend,until then all my love.

Benjamin 2018

All my love all the time.

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These hands

These hands, this heart, soul, body and mind have grown tired. I’m torn between a body that fails me and a mind that flitters from each thought to the next without care or thought. I can’t see the ends of my choices as the Agnosia sets it’s course, my tendons tighten daily as I wait for yet another doctor to call about for another doctor to call another doctor, if you get where I’m going here. 

Now the left-hand side of my jaw won’t shut correctly and the doctors are looking into necrosis of the Jaw bone from the radiation treatment. One x-ray down and the bone on the left side is good, MRI next week just to make sure that the cancer hasn’t come back 🙏🙏🙏. My financial life is in ruin my personal life is simply indescribable right now. It’s either really good or really really bad so I stopped talking about it completely. I can’t handle the ups and downs of life anymore it seems, or better said I can’t handle emotionally or physically much more than the excitement of home with paying the Piper dearly for it later. The other day for the first time my Parkinson’s disease scared me, normally I power though my days we’ll enough but since this cancer treatment it’s been a struggle just to gain weight let alone try and have a life again, most of the friends I had are gone or dead, most of the family I had are gone away,passed or have lost their love for me completely.  

Please forgive me for my weakness, I know that I’m lucky to have lived and loved as much as I have in this life, but it should be known that nothing about this life is easy. The physical pain, mental health and cognitive behavioral changes, the depression and Anxiety not to mention the side effects of the medicine I take now every 2.5 hrs…. Yep.. 2.5 he’s not much time for sleep or food in those 2.5 hrs. 😂😂🤔☹️. Well that all being said I leave you with thoughts of hope, hope that we all can find peace and joy in our lives here on Earth. Time is short, use it well .

Always Benjamin-2018

Subtle changes

Like a flower that blooms I watch you unfold before me. Every vibration a tunened to you. All attention undivided yet I question if not misguided. Left wondering if we play by the same rules. 

I watch as we ebb and flow knocking into life’s barriers and swimming past the flocks that gather to watch in horror and dissatisfaction. Yet never the less are we told not to judge a human until you can say you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. We forget such small promises yet they linger until they are fully dismissed..Can you say you’ve left the past behind or do you carry your sins forward. 

Subtle changes in the landscape of my heart and mind as I watch you unfold and blossom before me. So many Crow waiting to swoop and to scoop you up and drink you like soup. Then again you’re not the angel you seemed to be. Rather a serpent repent and wanting to be, something else like that of which you used to be. It’s okay because I’ve come to be the person I never thought I would be.. Subtle changes in you… In me.. The End. 

B-2018 

The morning burns

Like a cold needle slowly being inserted under your toenail. Slowly burning it’s way up.your foot to your ankle. Travels up your leg cramping and seizing every muscle as it pulses it’s way through each fiber along the way. Slow drilling it’s way home to a deep.seeded pocket of hellish pain that lives in my hips. I wish could explain the amount of pain and kind of pain this is. If I was just a tad less attached to this particular toe I’d chop it right off if I thought it would stop the pain. Thankfully at this juncture I’m not that far gone.

Well there we are I guess My morning has started. Coffee,meds, Instagram, Facebook.,..Gosh sure seems.like we humans waste an amazing amount of time. Not living real lives but simply posting the pretty parts we want the world to see. Not here not me, not my job. I’m here to explain what it’s like to live with and die from the process of Parkinson’s disease. I’m here to paint and write the emotions we all have feel deeply yet have the most trouble expressing. I intend to be a voice of hope and love to all until my last breath. 

Much love and light. Benjamin-2018 “For all of my days and all that come after.”

Hellos

Hellos and good-byes

Soft smile and kind eyes

She had her fathers heart

And her mothers eyes

Such a contradiction of truth and lies.

Hellos and good-byes.

Benjamin-2018 **Early morning words.