And then came the tears. I woke restless and tired from the night before. Chased by images of us that I foolishly dreamnt up. Long walks, pictures of a future untold hopes and dreams. Then came tears warm and soft as I woke, sitting at the edge of my wondering how I had let myself fall so low. How have I become so low to think of myself to deserve such treatment.
How could I have lowered my values in myself to be in this place. Am I not worthy of love? Have I become so tormented that only the darkness in other broken souls seeks me out to drink from me the very essence of the life and house I have to offer in my dying days. A decade doesn’t seem long to wait to fade away after a thousand, thousands sleeps. These tears help wash away the bruises you left upon my heart . As those waves of lost hopes and dreams float away inner light turns to the mornings dawn as I breathe deeply…..
Soft music of the morning trains roll through my bedroom window and I’m back…. Im back to this shell of a body with a lions heart. Face wet from tears and lost thoughts of you… The hole slowly closes in my gut, I wipe the tears from my nose…. Gather my thoughts, my headphones and paint brushes.. it’s time sing a new song, paint an new day, foolishly fall in love with a flower or two as I skip down hallways in my head. Reading the billions of thoughts that float through my hearts heart. Tasting the colours of the day.
I will will always love, love for you can not give what you can not be. And I will forever times forever be in love with thee. Could be us, you and me.
I came to you with open arms. A man broken and tired from the trials of life. You, warm, soft, kind at first. I almost felt as though God himself sent me home to you… I’ve been wrong alot lately. With aching bones I spoke. My heart with my best words and truest intent… You kisses me and welcomed me home. Said it would be okay we’d go slow nobody needs to know… Now I know why… It’s because the love that you offered was a lie. I’m not sure where it came from or what it could have been. But here we were just starting to begin….again…. Then the same rains began to fall. Your head got foggy or clouded by the attention from all….of the people and places and faces you’ve seen, when you were younger and playing the scene. Well now my sweet dear it is time to think. You’ve walked to the well, are you going to drink….
Imagine if you will, sitting in a chair , feet bare , cool against the hardwoods. Then nailing your middle toe to floor and having someone push the chair over. 😱
Yeah, I don’t know what is up with my body these days. The pain is back like it was in the beginning. Maybe more so. My hips are a whole other story. Yes, my toes do actually feel like that almost 24/7 it’s an incredible experience to breath through. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep tonight even though given the chance I’ve been sleeping 18hrs a day.. Yay depression and anxiety win 😵☹️.
After all of the stuff that has happened over the last year I gotta say damn I’m ready to move the xxxx on. It’s weird to feel so young in my head, soul and heart. Yet be so present in this body of earthly weights, desires and pain. Time for paint or sleep,… Or both we shall see who gets there first.
Today I can to a place where I can could see clearly.
All my life I’ve been a giver. Over the years it’s worn me down.
I didn’t realize it but it has. I’ve let my behavior bring me to this loathsome place.
Today I realized that I can do things just for me.
I can take a pottery class.
I can with the right help do and become anything
I am enough…. I am enough for me…
And I am important.. Simply because I am.
I don’t need to fix every person and every problem
I AM FREE
I AM LOVED
I AM KIND
I AM HONEST
I AM LOYAL
I AM ME
Not out of greed, but out of selfcare. The world has shown me recently that when a person you trust suddenly starts accusing you of something that you have no idea about… That’s the time to turn and run.. I’ve spent a lifetime watching others and projecting my insecurities on others then wondering why they left. I’ve grown, I can see these things now in others and myself. I am thankful for this life.