Many of you know about some of the most private details of my life at this point..
Some of you would even say I’ve over shared…
I guess that’s the beauty of what happens here we all have a choice. To come together under a common bond and share the joys and
sorrows of each others lives. Some to comment, some to watch from the shadows and judge. Either way I made a decision when I first started
blog to be open. Many people forget that this site didn’t start as an Art blog but as my personal journal cataloging my life and struggles with coming to
terms with Young Onset Parkinson’s disease. This journey has taken me around the united states and abroad I’m happy to say I’ve shared every step along the ways, the good the bad and the very ugly personal truths of my life that in reality many of us share in common but would never put out there the way I do.
I’ve said it before and Ill stand by it. I’m a man, no different than any other with the slight exception that I paint and write my heart and soul for all to see. I end 99% of my posts with a kind word. And I pose some hard questions and thoughts because I believe that one man and one voice can change the world.
Art and words have lost their meaning and I will not stand for it another second. For if YOU will not Be Brave and Be Bold or Thrive in the life you have….. I will. If given the chance I would take your hand and shout your name from the roof tops to show the world your brilliance and compassion. Live your words or don’t use them at all. At this point I’ve lost all of it. My job, my career my home and my family and Ill be dammed if I’m going to silence my heart and soul now.
I just received word that I’ve been accepted into a local art co-op. 4 floors of prime down town retail, commercial and loft living space. A place that is positioning its self at the edge of creating an new feel a new scene thriving and ready to make Art believable again. Any person can put brush to canvas, lead to paper and glue a stone to a ring. But only a few can create through there passion to express that love, fear and strength through their art. So again I say…to you.
Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have… No… life is not easy for any of us. But if I can live through the things I’ve seen, done and had happen to me then you can too. I believe in you. I’ve seen your strength, beauty and passion.
That’s all I’ve to say. Namaste Benjamin 1970-current “A life in progress”
A lonely heart yearns for what it has not.
But a calm place to rest the head and heart.
A space that let’s the soul sing and the knights fire come alive.
Tis but a place in books and the memory of men that this hollow heart once remembers.
Given such days of love and want.
Gone with each passing moment does a dying man find comfort in small word of black and white.
It rained again and I thought of you alone in the mirror wondering how and why..
How and why has this loathsome ache replaced the beating heart.
Has not love filled it’s chambers a thousand times for a thousand years.
I give you love not written in paper nor sung in song but eternal in the knights sky for he and me are I
Given such secrets does a heart long for a gentle place to rest it’s wing from a story unwritten yet acted out a thousand time across a millennia.
I’ve spoken your name in tongues long forgotten and carried your heart with mine for a thousand years.
These sands of time hold no measure on the love of a wandering knight given curse to hold passion so deep. Through paint an prose so the story goes. I’ll wait for you on the other side.
Such a gentle journey in the heart of kindness
flows all possibilities to the end of a long road less traveled.
Does your heart ache at the changing times
or do things of the coming past give you strength
to live a brighter day today and shine on for all to see.
I give you my heart in place of yours
Fear not these death lights dear one for they come in peace
to take your resting bones to place of holy.
Rest in the hearts of all who have loved you and always will.
Cry not for the passing and fill that space the pictures and
Dreams of the times gone by so that you may give that light
to all that continue on this earth.
Please take my strengths when you need it most
for I will borrow more the sun.
Please have my hand when the standing on ones legs become more to bear
than it ever has ever been.
Know that I am and will forever be for I always have and will always be
How does one “fight the good fight”? How do the weak become strong or the timid become brave? Because of people like you. And how does one truly give thanks to gifts they receive in life? There are so many ways that one can give thanks.
So it can be said especially during this holiday season I’m thankful for you. I appreciate you. You’re words give me strength, inspiration, hope, courage and passion. So thank you. I know so many of you ( us ) enter this holiday season with the burdens of the year behind us but still full on your backs and minds, you may wonder how,? How can I ( us, we, you and I ) go on? I’ve felt the same many many many times. When I was first diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease I had really no idea what to expect. Then slow, steadily and with out fail I watched as if from the outside my life fall away and I had very little if any control. Slowly I lost my ability to communicate well enough to run large companies the only thing I’d done since I was 18 years old. I watched as my body, a once well trained fighting machine became weak and unbalanced. I watched as my once steady hands began to tremble like a cold baby bird. I was scared, still am, but then something happened…..I found you, all of you and you found me.
So today I give thanks, thanks for my life that I have, for the friends and family that I’ve made with many of you. For it is the strength, hope, courage of many that build a world so strong with a voice so loud that nothing is impossible. It is because of you that the world is a better place. No matter how far beneath the struggle of life you may feel from time to time know one thing. You are strong, you are brave and you are beautiful and intelligent, worthy of all the good thing life has to offer. I believe in you, I appreciate you and I am thankful for you.
Happy Holidays everyone. Without you I never would have had the strength to become the man I am today.
Good morning, afternoon and evening. I think I missed a day. How have you been? I havent missed a day since I don’t know when. Things have been shall we say out of control to say the least. We have two days until the movers come and I must admit I’m in a bit of a state of shock, we’ve gone from talking about this supposed property that we might come into, to having the deal fall through a couple of times. Me demanding for people not to talk about it around me because I’m a huge dreamer and if you give me the chance to dream I will and I’ll dream huge. To now.. Two days and the Main house will be 100% remodeled new paint,floors through out, trim and appliances come today so I’ll be at the Farm house most of the day simply hanging out.
During the course of this adventure I’ve managed to break two ribs, work myself to exhaustion more time than I care to admit and had some huge fights.I also somehow managed to win my category in the “Something Red” juried show, again a thing I totally don’t get. Last year I didn’t even get an honorable mention and this year I win? Dont get me wrong I’m not complaining, just shocked. And now here I sit not having panted in almost a month and its making me crazy. But I guess that’s what change does right? We’ve talked about it before, rebirth is never easy especially when it’s basically your entire life.Thanks for sticking with me, an Art blog with out art must be kind of boring especially since I’ve been forced to torture you guys with my words ;) That being said lets take a look and see if we can stare at some paint for a moment. Maybe something old that we havent seen for a while.
Inspired by yes Paul Jackson Pollock, this piece was done on paper using inks, oils, acrylics, gouache and anything else I could get my hands on. I was only 17 years old at the time but still this is one of my favorite pieces I’ve ever done, at least in this style. Funny thing is I’m not a huge fan of using this style. Most of my fascination with Pollock comes from the person he was and his views on art and paint itself.
Picasso, Miro and Dali being some of the other painters that have inspired me over the years, again not so much because of their paintings but because of who they were as humans and their unique view on art and paint. But I must admit im kind of fan boy when it comes to Picasso and I could and have spent hours staring at Dali work. One of the quotes Picasso is known for saying that I really appreciate is “Good painters copy, “great painters steal” and maybe its Artist instead of painters but I’m not to worried as I’m stealing his quote anyhow. ;) For I to believe it’s not about being able to copy another work as it is the ability to embody the essence of the artist and make it your own. Therefore “stealing” and not copying.
Sabbia “woman at the beach”**Also one of the only neutral color tone pieces I’ve done.
Pi~Guy and the Cowboy
“Pi-Guy and the Cowboy”This piece tells a story of a symbiotic relationship based on mutual need and self-preservation.
again it’s not about copying the artist, as just about anyone can produce a painting like this, in fact many artist have copied Picasso. But not many can embody the master and make his style their own.
Wow so I just realized I’ve been rambling Sorry, I miss my studio and I miss talking about art. OKay just to finish the ramble on art lets look just briefly at a couple more pieces and then I promise I’ll wrap it up.
A Miro inspired commission piece now living in the Mid-West.
And a Dali inspired piece, staying in my private collection.
Any how thanks for letting me sit and chat for a bit. I’ll be out at the Farm house waiting for appliances to show up and possibly working on getting the studio set up. I’ve been letting the construction guys use the space as a prep area for the rest of the house but after appliances come there isn’t really a direct need for people to come bouncing through my space. Okay its time for me to start my day. Something very rare happened last night….I slept,!!! yes really the whole night. Well from 10p-3a and for me that’s a lot of continuous sleep. I hope you have a great day and that the world treats you kindly and you it.
Much Love and Light
As the stars gently bathe you in their luminous glow I’m caught breathless by your silhouette. Each curve and line captured in perfect form. Each star giving you it’s light to fill the very heart of darkness. To spread that joy of youthful innocence among the tired and broken. To teach one how to love again with the freedom of youth. The grace of your form know no bounds as its timeless essence gives strength to the ache of my heart, body and soul.
Tis in the small hours of the morning
I miss you most of all.
This darkness pull at my heart and soul
Body quakes and shakes
bones creak and crack
as the pain ripple like cool water
through all that I am, was and will
Simple words fall from the sky
as I catch each one to give to you
not knowing not thinking just doing
and being, for I know only one way.
The sun will come today, bringing a list
of To Do’s and Boo who’s do I have too’s
and what not’s.
Each one given a time and place till
I can finally erase these things and
simply sit with you.
Good morning\Afternoon and evening, I hope the day has found you well, first off from deep in my heart I’d like to thank many of you for your lovely well wishes. This time of great change I must admit has caught me off guard a bit. I cherish change it keeps life fresh and new. It is the life blood of the future. Yet this time of change id new for me as I’ve never experienced great change with PD. Though my onset of Parkinson’s disease was rapid and honestly pretty brutal compared to the stories I’ve read from others with PD. I’ve only had PD for a little over two years. So there are many things in life I’ve yet to experience with my new-found friend. Moving being one of them and doing so in such a grand manner has been one of the toughest things I’ve done regardless of PD. I suppose hurting myself in a very painful fashion practically on day one hasn’t made things any easier. But I’m a fighter, I am that tree that will soak up the suns warmth from whatever direction it comes and save it for a rainy day. The tricky thing about this move is my body is missing some key indicators of when its time to be done. I suffer from peripheral neuropathy to the extent that I have little to no physical sensation in my hands, arms and legs.
So while your body will tell you “hey” you just hurt yourself or cut your leg ect.. I don’t feel those things the way most do. So when I do finally feel the pain it’s from a completely different source and sadly one that doesn’t know how to get that information correctly to the places it needs to go, My brain. O.o
I’ve talked with doctors as of late about ways to fight this but it seems their answer is to just kill the nerve completely, for instance I have a nerve knot in my foot that sends shocks up my leg from my big toe to my calf. It basically feels like liquid fire being poured up the nerve. Sciences answer to that was a quick injection of “your dead” of which I declined. Id rather feel the pain than never feel again. As for my ribs they will heal, anyone who has ever broken multiple ribs know exactly what im talking about. You go to the doctor in excruciating pain and they say hmm, it looks like you’ve broken or bruised your ribs, here’s a pain pill and a wrap, see you in six weeks, if it hurts too much, sorry don’t hurt your ribs. Anyhow I digress, as the title may suggest im going to be taking a day off,… Kind of, maybe… A little, First the boy and I are going to get our hair cut, for those of you who know me well it is an act of cleansing as well as a “looks” thing. My hair now is way to long for my liking. Today is also the “Something Red” art submission day so I need to go do that. I also have a print I need to pick up at the frame store and get that ready to ship out. Which reminds me I am getting close to capacity on some of the print’s, some of you may not know but I will be not make more than 20 of any print. I really didn’t want to make prints to begin with but as requested and suggested by many of you I decided to go ahead and do so.
So as I sit here a ramble away as I often do, the day is slipping away, Thank you all again for your opinion on the “Something Red” submissions and Truly, Truly thank you for your kind words. People often ask or state ” I don’t know how you manage or carry on” well its simple im a stubborn Irish bastard ;) and simply from the kindness and strength gifted by others. Enough ramblings lets look at some Art for just a small moment in time.
As I lay me down to sleep
Autumns Passing 24″x36″ Mixed media
The above paintings mark the most recent work completed, “As I lay me down to sleep”, ” Autumns Passing and “Horizons” all done within the past 30 days or so. I guess I can keep my title as a painter. I just feel shameful as I have a head bursting with images just clamoring to get out. Soon enough right? Soon I will have a “working” studio that friends and patrons may come visit with me at, It HAS A WINDOW!!!! which for those who know is kind of a running joke. Not only am I red-green color blind but I practically paint in the dark with my one “shop light” glaring down at me. Right I coud just sit here all day a chat. which is really what I’d like to do but I must go.
Pain drips from everything I am on this mornings dawn
There is a chill and cold in the air that cuts
straight to the bone of this shaky, stiff sack
of borrowed bones. Yet no sorrow shall be given
for the choice is my own. At what cost does a
king give his body, to build a castle he will
never get to use.
*** On wicked words did the night bite
and cause great sorrow.
For in the dawns light nothing had changed
the boy was still a boy
Dressed in the suite of man he once knew.
Given heart string pull at such harmonious
discord, how can ones should bear such a song.
With each repeat do we not find solace in the
idea that maybe this time will be our last and
we will learn the how to true be free of the
madness within an aching heart a broken body
and bleeding soul. Amen………………