Rising above the situations in our lives that cause us pain you’d think would be easy right? It’s kind of a knee jerk reaction, you touch something hot or sharp you’d think one wouldn’t continue that behavior right? With physical stuff it’s easy, sharp=cut=pain= not touch :-/
But with emotional stuff at least on my end it seems not to be that easy. Could be the pd meds could be that I’m an idiot who thrives on self abuse (more likely) either way it’s an interesting journey to be on. To observe my emotional openness and vulnerability yet at the same time desire to close everything and simply fade away.
This morning I spent some time working on more glazing and micro layers of yellow and white.
This was after 12 plus hours drying time and 4-5 more layers of varnish.
Since these photos were taken I’ve started the second layer of texture used to create the Lotus flower itself but those pics are for the next installment of “The Process” I had the pleasure today of hanging one of my larger painting “The Long Road” at a friends restaurant/tap house.
Well that’s about all I have to share today. It’s been kind of a rough PD day which tends to make me feel a bit more alone than usual. As always Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have.
Good morning, afternoon and evening. I hope where ever you are that the world has been kind to you and you to it. I’ve decided to start the lotus piece first and really concentrate my energy into this one piece. Usually when I paint I have 3-4 paintings going at once. It’s helps keep my monkey mind at bay and gives me something to do whilst I’m waiting for the paint to dry.
But this piece, this piece is going to get some attention exclusively.
As it holds a very special place in my heart. During the following images you’ll see a wide range of angles and perspectives. So what I’ve done is the first 30-40 micro layers of paint and washes followed by 5-6 layers of varnish applied at intervals in between the actual color application and then again over the entire piece once I’ve reached a spot that I’d like to freeze in time per say.
We started here and have since continued forward.
Since these pictures where taken I’ve add many layers of white and light cadmium yellow, mixed with a secret sauce ;)
Then just this morning I’ve started to add more bold or striking colors. Please keep in mind this is the background for the Lotus flower that will join us later.
A quick peak at today’s tools.
Blue application #1
Blue application #2
Blue application #3
So far this piece and I have a clear understanding of what need to happen and how, so literally it is a process of simply making my body do what my mind had already seen.
Very close up.
Then far away. Well my friend it’s about time for me to run, I’ve a friend coming down to help run some errands. Again I hope the was kind and you to it. For if not you an I then who??
There are times in life when a thing must be torn in two before the greatness of it’s union can be recognized and only then can small steps forward to rebuild, nurture and the eventual success of that thing come to fruition. Please enjoy: Broken~A healing process
bmp~down town studio
200 usd **set
As I try I hope you do as well to always,
Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have. For one never knows when it will change…and it will.
Some of you know where this piece comes from some may not but I can guarantee that I wish I didn’t. Many of you know this last April I separated from my wife and was forced to leave my home and children. During this process I gave my my trust away when I shouldn’t have and got hurt. I have to take some responsibility but as in all scenarios it takes two to tango.
I’m left now feeling more broken and rejected than I have in any time in my 44 years on this planet. I will not go into details out of respect for myself and all involved. Please enjoy the next images as a part of my healing process.
Above the close ups.
This piece was intentionally painted as one piece with the knowledge that I would break it in half at the seem.
(2) 12″ x 12″ birch panels
2014 Benjamin A life in limbo
Good morning, I hope the day has found you well. As so often I do I find myself pondering the point of this life, why is it that we are given these huge range of emotions and yet so often not the tools to deal with them? Recently I lost someone in my life whom I love very dearly. So I sit here wondering how do I get past that “again” how do I learn to fill that void?
Sadly I’m old enough to know I can’t. I know I will never fill the void of loss I can only learn to live with it. Hence back to my question why? Why are we given this depth o heart and soul if only to have it ( them crushed ) how can that possibly be good. Anyhow like many of my paintings it’s a process right, hour by hour minute by minute and day by day I suppose. http://youtu.be/6BQoJDHZsGM
** Hearts on Fire**
There is calm that you bring to my busy mind
That no other can bestow.
A gentleness that flows from your heart
And fills my worried soul like no other.
It is with these simple and humble hands that I do paint and write these words of heart strings and things
These visions of color given weight
By the heart behind them.
There is no measure of thanks or soft words to imply the depth of my heart to yours or the length at which my soul soars amongst the angels in heavens high.
So for that I let my words and paint fill that void of “Hearts on Fire”
Despite the loss, ache and empty that I have in my heart right now I’m trying to think of the positive things I do still have in my life. I was just asked to speak at a disabilities conference in Portland Oregon August 10-12th. I believe the topic I’ll be speaking on is thriving in life despite having a disability. I also just accepted a seat on the board for the Parks department here in Salem. So things in most of my life are looking up I just wish I could get past the longing in my heart to be held.
I’ve been doing some roughy sketches for my next few paintings. Being up here in Portland at my friends garden has given me some interesting ideas. Keep in mine the drawings are just outlines at to where the second layer of linear texture will go. They will be in the same style as My Love and Healing Waters
Here is a quick look at some of the ideas.
Well my friends that’s about all I have today. I’ll be getting a ride back to the studio later today and will probably hide for a while.
I had the opportunity to visit a friend today and received a lovely tattoo. Then spent some time in the garden relaxing and gaining inspiration from nature. Taking some time in Portland to slow things down a bit. Please enjoy gifts from the garden:
A greeting from the head,
A stop by the play,
Then kissed by the sun.
And possibly there was some painting that happened early this morning before the adventures of the day began.
And panel two
The pieces above were painted side by side and currently sharing a seem.
I hope the day has treated you and life has been kind.
To be honest I’m not sure if it was a mile or not. This morning I woke around 2a pst to gentle breeze and a summer rain. Greeted by the the late night crowed coffee in hand I wished them well and took a walk to find the stillness in my life that I’ve seem to have lost.
What I did find was the world or parts of it were still and peaceful for me. I brought some back to share with you.
There was also some painting that was done today. Still wet as I type, still waiting for me to return.
This piece has a secret, she’ll be two when she’s done.
It must have been a dream
This piece will change a great deal but will look similar when completed.
Both are very early in development.
Thanks for stopping in today as always it’s lovely to have you with me.
And please remember to always Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have, you never know when things will change….
Some may see my previous post as a celebration, sadly it is anything but. I’ve never dreamed only feared that I’d not be by my childs side nor not stand with my family. My new life is only the best outcome from a very sad and horrific situation. It breaks my heart a thousand times a day. But who do I wish to be in this life a warrior or a victim? Do I show my kids to simply lay down when life gets hard?? NO!! I must Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life I have. If not for myself then for them as they may not see it now but someday they will and I hope when they need strength the most they can search for that strength in the memory of their father.
To my Bonny Lass: I’m sorry I’ve failed you.
With eyes like emeralds I’m drawn so deep.
Into a place no demons can creep.
Hair like fire and skin so fair
Only she can take me there.
With a laugh and kiss our bond oh so deep.
Fifteen years in the making a promise a promise I keep.
For all of my days and all that come after
A vow that we made in front of a pastor.
Now my poor girl I feel that I’ve failed.
Your white knight has rusted my coffin half nailed.
I fight off the demons try to keep them at bay.
Slowly and surely they come as they may.
Taking my armor one piece at a time.
Falling like soldiers all in a line.
Till my last dyeing breath I promise to fight, no my sweet love “I will not go quietly into the night”
” For all of my days and all that come after”
“May your days be bright and your nights be short. Go in love and light and a memory so bright that love may lead the way.”
16″ x 20″
There once was a time when slept
I slept with dreams of my own
Calm and peaceful in the night sky
Gentle summer breeze through a window
Left open just enough…
Just enough to keep away the demons of the night…
Now I find myself with coffee and words
In the small hours of the night and early morn
Wandering the halls of new home
As I’ve done so many times before
Bach in the background as my fingers find
The keys to ease my worried mind
And wanten heart.
Poetic justice for a painters heart
To wander with words so often in a day
These small place and faces
That haunt my desires and dreams
Keeping paint at bay till the words stop
Falling from the sky.
Slipping from my lips to your heart..
There once was a time when I slept…..
As the stars track clockwise through the heavens I’m reminded of these new changing times. Reflections of my past giving chase to tomorrows memories and dreams.
For whom shall I be now that I am once again free to be me, who is this knight of pure heart and black soul, Cast down from the heavens eons ago. Left to wander these time in paint and prose. Of lovers lips and and sunken ships that have sailed so long ago.
I search for myself amongst these things we think we need and wonder how and why and who am I.
I’m left with lineage, love anguish and tremor. Pain and paint,passion and woes. But this my friend is where my garden grows. From ashes and fire from human desire. These are the things I’ve become. Of drink and desire and maddening rage, one name, one word my love for I am he.
Benjamin,.. is all that I be.
“Written once and spoken a thousand times in my heart”