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Salt~ eich bod yn torri fy nghalon

There is a time and place for everything they say…..
And tonight brought tears to my eyes.
The crickets here in the upper northeast are in full swing tonight
And I’m missing someone very dear to me. Someone I’ll probably never see again in this life and the crickets seem to know.
I took a walk up the lane after supper only to find myself drifting in thought until I came across the “Blarney Stone” playing my sweet Irish tunes live in the pavilion. The little ones were dancing as the elders tapped their toes. There were smiles all around except in my eyes. My music, me being made up of a bag of welsh and Irish. As the crickets softly sing.
eich bod yn torri fy nghalon
No tune can shine these blue eyes tonight. No smiles can lift a broken heart.
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Some losses are to great to bare alone and some are simply to great to bare.
Tonight’s a night I wish I was stone. Cold and could turn it off make it go away. Bury my pain in a pit and walk away, run away as fast as I could…. If I could….I would….
But instead I write here to you all of you to bare witness to these things of mine that should be put in a box and tossed in the basement with the mementos of past lives… And maybe with some luck they will be, but not tonight. Tonight I will cry with the crickets and drink with the devil. And my god forgive me in the mornings light.
The end.

B~xx

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Made it……but at what cost..

It’s funny how life tests us. It tests our physical, mental and emotional strengths. I have to say though I’m tired of it. All this travel I think has finally taken it’s toll. I’m not sure if it’s the events that have unfolded or the shear volume of land crossed but I’m done.
It’s time to paint and write, settle into a routine I’ve yet to find and stop chasing dreams that take me far from home. I’ve given to much of my heart and soul away over the last 8 months often only to have it thrown back in my face. Twisted and used against me.
I started this site to find solace and peace as I tried to sort through having young onset Parkinson’s originally DX just after turning 41.

I’ve made some amazing friends all around the world and gone to see most of them. As I sit here this morning in the sleepy village of Clinton NY I wonder if any of it’s worth it. These days I find that the emotional toll of feeling so passionately and living a life that reflects it has become a burden I’m not sure I can bare anymore.
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Burden
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Mixed media

2014

Honestly I’m not sure of the point I’m making here today, beside the simple sharing if my heart and soul as I’ve always done. Though these days I find more often than not I have to speak in ambiguity as to not offend or suffer the backlash of others in this place.
Tired…. I’ve grown so tired of the struggle..

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These days I find I am no longer “Dreaming of Autumn”
I fear I’m no longer dreaming at all. It feels like everything I touch turns to rust and dust before my eyes and I’m not sure how to stop it from happening. Anyhow I’m done. I hope where ever you are and what ever life brings you that your well, loved and at peace. May all your dreams come true.

Always
Benjamin
“A life in progress”
2014

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Greetings and salutations ~Erie PA~

Hi, it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve written here and though it’s only been a day or so a ton of really heavy stuff has happened. I’ve made some new friends, had an old one turn out to be batshit crazy and I’ve driven half way across the United States all this in two day. All I can say is as soon as you think things are starting to settle look again before you cross that road because sometimes that A-train is just a tad late.
It funny so far in the past two days, I’ve been challenged emotionally and physically more than I’ve been in a long time. Apparently PWP or at least this PWP (people with Parkinson’s) shouldn’t sit in cars for 8 hrs at a time ;) actually I knew that already but now I really know my physical limitations. For some reason flying around the world, not a problem but stick me in a car and ask this body to hold still…. Not good.
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One thing is for sure as much as I love to travel, I can’t wait to get home and paint. I never thought I’d say it as when I’m there I often get a huge case of the lonely but I miss my house ( apartment ). The studio as I often refer to it. Which apparently confuses people when they come over for the first time because in reality it’s a large 2 bedroom loft with modern appliances and all the comforts of home, not the preconceived tiny little starving artists painting studio. I’m very excited for next month since the willamette valley open studio tours will be happening and I have a very dear friend and my personal assistant coming up to help out with the event. September 13,14 so all of you in the Pacific Northwest come on down there’s plenty of room it’s going to be fun, that much I can guarantee.
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Well my dear friends, it’s just about that time, time to stuff myself back into the car and head east. I’ve about four more hours and I’ll be in the big apple.
I hope where ever you are and what ever your doing that you find peace in your heart and love in your soul. Forgive the one that hurt you and hold onto the one that don’t. Try to always be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have, because as life has reminded me once again on the this trip you never know when things will change and I can assure you they will.

Much love and light.
Benjamin
2014.
“A life in progress”
I’m far from perfect but at least I tried.

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Greetings from the road

Literally ;) cruising down the 70 east heading to NY. I just wanted to pop in and say Hi to everybody.

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So I couldn’t stand it I had to purchase a little paint for the road. This particular journey I’m not here to paint but as most of my blood, heart and soul is connected to color and words I figured a little paint couldn’t hurt right?
I seem to have misplaced the photo of this super cute little watercolor set I picked. Oh well I’ll paint for you tonight.

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The last flower from Saint Louis. Kind of sad really I painted 6 maybe 7 paintings in STL over the past year and a half. Certainly a city I’d like to visit again.
Just found out that I won’t be going back to Canada any time soon. Kinda sad but I guess it’s for the best, I’ve been spreading myself to thin these days and honestly putting my trust in places and people I shouldn’t. Guess that comes with living life to it’s fullest right? Lol. Oh well. I tried.
The first big stop of the day is Indianapolis which will be great. Time to rest, think and paint. To all my true friends. Thank you for your support, love and kindness.

Always
Benjamin
“A life in progress”
2014

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Take my hand,come and see

What it’s like inside of me….

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray The Lord my soul to keep
From darkest dreams and silent screams
From all these thoughts
In endless streams.
Of
Complex verse and curses terse
Please spare my aching heart.
The pain that echoes the fear
Shadowed by the unknown gives way
To only a brighter day should the sun
Ever truly rise in these blue blue eyes.
So
As I lay me down to sleep
The knight time demons begin to creep
In frozen hip and tongues that slip
Into the nothing that is tomorrow’s
Tomorrow resting in today’s dreams.
Pause…
Stay these things of dreams, for the
Day comes so quickly and the moon is a lifetime away.

Benjamin
2013-14
“A life in progress”

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Once again with feeling…..

As I brace my body and mind to once again set out on this next adventure I do so with a great mindfulness of who I am. Probably more so than I have in all of my travel in all my days. There comes a time in our lives when the veil starts to rise and we begin to see ourselves more clearly with more clarity than ever before. I feel I’m in that place. I’m learning to accept my fears as an man, father, artist and human. I accept that I yearn to be held, to have a partner to share the joys and sorrows of life and I do so with proudly. I accept my limitations and understand that they will change as I do. I’d like to say I’m happy and some times I am and sometimes I’m not, but hey, that’s life.
In just a few short minutes I’ll call my cab and I’ll once again leave my lovely area of the world and as I do I’ll leave you with this question. In your heart of hearts are you happy, have you known love, given it, received it? I have and it’s a beautiful, scary, marvelous thing. I thank you as always for your time, your kindness and you support.
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New Lotus #2 a work in progress.
May you too learn to rise above the challenges in your life, be fearful, but don’t live it fear. Be bold but not brash, be brave but not inconsiderate. Most of all be you. For you are one of a kind and have a gift to give the world that is unique and special to only you.

Much love and light. I’ll do my best to post when I can from wherever I can.

Sempre,
Benjamin
B~xx
The traveling poetish painter.
2014
“A life in progress”

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Sometimes……

There are times in life when a leap of faith is all you need. You follow that gut instinct or draw and simply follow it. I think at times as humans in an American society we are trained that average is okay it’s “safe” or “normal”
Often when people ask me about my travels they’ll comment about how lucky I am or with ” my condition” how brave I am. Well in reality I’m not sure it helps to have a skewed sense of fear and it doesn’t hurt that my wanderlust and passion drive me further in my life than my internal fears and insecurities. But in reality and in it’s most simple explanation I just leap!! I do where most so no. Which is something anyone can do. The moral of this morning pre coffee ramble. In this life if it makes your heart and soul sing in travel, love, paint , write, dance, sing in the rain…..Do it!!!! Do it with all that you have because you may never get another chance or another person in your life like that. Be brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have!!!

Okay so now onto some arty things. I’ve been working on the first few layers of this piece. A commissioned work for a very special couple in my life. It’s always such a huge honor to paint for people, sure selling art is great because money buys food, rent, medicine etc but for me the $$ is nominal compared to being able to focus all of my creative passion into one thing and make that one thing explode with a life of it’s own and to do so with specific intent. Always good!!
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It’s funny how much the iPhone doesn’t like really “hot” reds and yellow. It tries to make them pink and orange, it’s rather random. I’ll be leaving tomorrow for my next trip a quick flight to Saint Louis to visit some friends and help move a client to NY, then NY for a few days hopefully to visit with yet another group of clients and good friends. Then on the 21st I fly back into PDX stay the night and ten go camping. Something I haven’t done in years. So I’m very very excited about that. Then on the 25th I pop into wonderland tattoo and get some more work done on my most recent piece.

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From there I’ll stay in Portland for a day because I fly back out on the 27th to Nevada to see my sweet grandmother. My last grandparent and one of the woman I cherish most in my life. She helped raise me when I was young *my childhood…. Not that awesome, that’s another story of another day. I fly back into town the 1st of September and will hit the ground running. The open studio tours start September 13th and I’ll have a ton of painting and prep to do. Anyhow my dear friends as always it’s lovely to have you with me in these journeys I look forward to sharing my life and continued adventures with all of you. So don’t hold back live your life to the fullest that you can. Money will come and go.Houses, cars and all that “stuff” is just stuff. Be proud of who you are, strive daily to become more at peace with your life and love fully, deeply and passionately for when the death lights come. I know I for one will pass with a smile and three deep breathes knowing I’ve lived, loved and laughed the best I knew how.

Always
Benjamin
2014
“A life in progress”

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Today…not tomorrow.

I could right write a thousand words about today and not a single one matter. Why? Because empathy only goes so far and sympathy runs it’s course. There are days in this human life that simply bare never repeating.
I’ve been trying to come to terms with the standard depression associated with being diagnosed with an “un curable progressive neurological disorder”
I’ve also learned that dealing with the depression stemming from my separation from M and the kids is normal, expected, natural. But I’ve got to say F&$)?! Really universe? Gimme a break. So yes today I’m weak, needy, insecure all the things I’m not normally. It’s a side of me I loathe. I’ve spent so much time in my life training my mind and body to push through this life and all the things that come with, making days like today pretty freakin crappy.
Why the ramble? You may ask.. Well I’ve started a sketch and photo manipulation project that will chronicle these depressing day. It will literally be a living breathing emotional, perpetual work in progress. Here is the first installment.
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The idea here is on my dark days I will come here pour my sadness, weakness and weight I can’t bare with true pure raw emotion, leaving it, changing it and working through it here.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
– See more at: http://allpoetry.com/Do-Not-Go-Gentle-Into-That-Good-Night#sthash.w0xuP0Xm.dpuf
Below is a quote by Dylan Thomas that speaks more eloquently and more truly about what goes on inside my head than I could ever have hoped to find words for in this life.

“I hold a beast, an angel, and a madman in me, and my enquiry is as to their working, and my problem is their subjugation and victory, downthrow and upheaval, and my effort is their self-expression”. Thomas was born in Swansea, Wales, on October 27, 1914. After grammar school he moved to London where, in 1934, his first book of poetry, Eighteen Poems, was published. – See more at: http://allpoetry.com/Do-Not-Go-Gentle-Into-That-Good-Night#sthash.w0xuP0Xm.dpuf

** Good resource link for depression and Parkinson’s disease.

https://www.michaeljfox.org/understanding-parkinsons/living-with-pd/topic.php?emotions-depression

Suicide prevention hotline:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Benjamin
2014
“A life in progress”
Be brave..be bold…and thrive in the life you have, you never know when things will change
.
B~xx

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I reach for you..originally post 7/6/14

I reach for you
Grasping at the small
Words that float and linger
Leaving tastes of want and hope
Lost in the nights sky.
Floating, floating like the ashen fire
Licks the nights
Skin then fades
Fades into the dawns hour
Forever floating just above
The edge of my dreams
And the silent wake of the night
I reach for you…

Benjamin
2014
11.D.100

**photo credit Google images**

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Happy Sunday

Hello, it’s nice to see you again. Truly one of the highlights of my day. I do hope you’ve been well. Today I find myself with a lovely bit of peace in my heart and hope in the day. A silent strong calm washes over the day here as I contemplate how the day will unfold. New adventures and old friends. New paint, words hopes and dreams abound each day and it’s up to us each and every single day to decide how much of this life we are going to live. I choose to Be Bold, To Be Brave and Thrive in this life. I hope that you do too. Very slowly I’ve been adding Little by little to this lotus piece

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I’ve also brought out an older piece to continue with.

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Again I hope the day has treated you well. I’ll be posting much more painty stuff here shortly so stay tuned. :)

Benjamin
2014.
“A life in progress”