So the question is. If everything changes what are we working towards? Where are we moving towards, and what is the goal of this life..?
Kind of a heavy question… Well honestly, I see the answer as simple. It’s the getting there that’s hard. Happiness. Peace of mind and contentment is the goal. As a whole, I feel we’ve lost touch with what happiness is and means. Sure I know it’s different for each of us but in many ways it isn’t .
Having and living with Parkinson’s disease at a young age has taught me that Happiness is our common ground, the one thing that all humans crave, we share the same desires to feel loved, to feel safe and cared for. These feelings translated into actions create a common, and mutual sense of happiness. A sense of home and well being. Sure money and stuff is nice, it’s a great distraction and creates an amazing sense of freedom, but at the end of the day we all die alone with nothing to take with us but the reflections of our lives. The sense that we accomplished something in our short time on this planet. For me it’s Art, family and the sharing of my story and journey through an un-curable progressive neuro-degenerative disease so that in the future it may be easier to understand and diagnose Parkinson’s disease.
Thanks again for stopping in an letting me share my journey. I look forward to seeing you again.
“A life in progress”
**Todays thoughts are brought to you by a conversation I had with my 16 year old son. Today we talked about the finalization of my divorce. Trying to explain that even though life as both he and I knew it has changed it doesn’t mean that we, he or I can’t still be happy. That I still am the man, father and mentor I always have been regardless of where I live.
A reminder that your are stronger, more wise and more experienced today than ever before in your life. Don’t be afraid to make tough choices, don’t be afraid to be the you your always dreamed of being. Today will never come again no matter how repetitive it feels so don’t waste the day.
Thrive in the life you have and be the person that makes you happy inside my friends. Life IS SHORT so revel in your perfections, imperfections and live, laugh and love to your fullest.
That’s all….. HAPPY MONDAY.
The morning chill came today for the first time this summer.
Her cool touch eased the day and
gave comfort as it stroked gardens of our home.
A gentle light towards the east gave way to the day as I brushed the light from eyes.
Such beauty caused by the passage of time, the breath in our bodies and the memories on our minds.
Today was made for you my love, the sun calls your name a thousand times before waking your sleeping body from it’s past life.
Come to me my sweet love and let me show this day made only for you. Come to me and let me show you how beautiful our world can be.
Was a warm day with a wicked smile
Or perhaps a cold heart and pretty face that first drew me in.
Such a tempting smile the
crazy girl does have,but
little did I know I’d fall in love..
these fragments of what i
was gather their best
suit and smile a while..well… You know the rest..
words cut deep and some deeper
like losing a limb
as her demon slips
from hers lips.
I can see the coldest, darkest clouds in her eyes,
as i fear for my heart and head.
will this be time it goes to far?
will this be time i drop her….
ive only ever slipped once in my life….
what the years have given me in wisdom and talent
They have also taken a toll. Paid with my patience and bits of heart i give to
the broken in return filling my bucket…
it was warm day with wicked smile or was it a wicked day and a warm smile
when last the she came to play. It
was the most bright of her darkest days.
The following entries are a daily recording of my journey with young onset Parkinson’s disease. I don’t spell check, format, edit my thoughts or words so if harsh language or people being blunt isn’t your thing then by all means go away ;) I will not be discussing or journaling my private life in these pages as those are saved for my eyes and those whom I can trust implicitly. I do how ever feel it’s important for the people who read this later after I’m gone to understand what it’s like to really live with Parkinson’s disease these Are all the things a patient such as myself could never say in the measly 45 min twice a year I get with my specialist team
So here we are again, it’s good to see your still here checking up on me. Life I tell ya has been challenging me in ways I can’t even explain. Lessons of what it means to love and receive love. What it means to come to terms with loosing dreams and finding new ones. Challenges in dealing with mental health both mine and others. My Parkinson’s has been progressing like what feels a freight train and since there is no predictable track for PD I’ve know idea if this is fast or slow. Things haven’t been that great lately there’s been a lot of bickering at home and for me that’s the worst. My home is the one place I’m supposed to feel safe and honestly I don’t. Life feels so unpredictable right know like the floor could just drop away at anytime. That my friends is why I’ve not been painting. I do however have some new pieces I’ve been working on but nothing like the amount I used to paint. I miss the security that my old life had and I love the vitality my new life has I just don’t know how to make this new foundation solid, hopefully in time this ship will right its self otherwise I fear this will be the end. I’ve no strength left for major sudden change the PD has taken most of my day to day planning skills completely. Balance a checkbook or pay bills, follow through on just about anything takes an army of people to remind or make me get shit done. I’ve thought more about death and suicide in the last year than ever before in my life. That alone tells me I’m tired, bc suicide isn’t a thing I’m into but there are days when being awake, conscious or alive isn’t a thing I’m very into either but still each day I wake, try and smile lol PD joke and start my day. Anyhow it’s nice to write here again it feels like home more familiar than anything else right now (today). This next 18 month I’m going to be focusing on the Paint and the Book. For now I bid any and all a good day/night. Please remember the words you use today can and will determine the things that happen tomorrow.
Over and out.
**Sneak peak of my current work in progress.
Hi, my names Benjamin and in 2011/11/07 I was diagnosed with Y.O.P.D ( Young Onset Parkinson’s disease ). You’d think that’s where my story would begin. Truly I wish it was but this story starts about a year and a half earlier.
I was a retail guy, I’d been in mid-executive level management since I was 17. I was pretty good at it but then things started to change for no apparent reason. Little did I know at the time but the disease had already started to effect my cognitive abilities as well as my physical status too. I started to miss deadlines, conference calls and emails. My body, neck,back,hips and knees started to ache and at times cause me unbearable amounts of pain. In 2009 my home life started to fail as my decision making and physical abilities started to change. I started sleep on the sofa.
Then one morning after doing back to back retail store inventories it hit me, I woke in more pain and stiffness than I’ve ever been in my life… I was scared. I was 39 just, and I this new sensation I could tell was different. This new pain was deep, deep in my body and brain. Then came the realization that every “guy” who hates taking pills and going to the doctor does… I admitted defeat and started the journey of figureing out what was happening to me.
So go figure the guy who has been active all his life, never liked taking pills and is a HUGE baby when in pain gets a “Pain Dr” two of them actually. A GP ( family doctor ) who is a great man but has no clue what to do for me besides make referrals and we can’t fail to mention the medical system that’s controlled by the big pharmacies….. Well you can imagine what the next year and a half has in store for me. Dr visits, massive amounts of weird random neuro-pills as they start the process of elimination…. See PD ( Parkinson’s disease ) has no test besides a genetics test to solidify it’s DX so the doctors basically have to eliminate everything else before they cross into the land of the neurological disorders. So 8 MRI’s countless x-rays and blood tests later in November of 2011 I’m diagnosed with PD by a very experienced neurologist here in my home town. A month later I get my second opinion from our regions top specialist. I have young onset Parkinson’s disease. Then thins get scary.
Im given my first dose of “Sinemet” or carbidopa/levadopa a compound made to increase the bodies ability to more effectively use the dopamine that the body naturally produces. Imagine that the dopamine in your body as the stuff that takes the information in your body to the places it needs it. Like “swing your arms” or “take a step” well the less dopamine in our brains the more Likely that “take a step” message won’t get where it needs to go. It may come out as a leg twitch or a very large exaggerated step, maybe and most often that misplaced message will simply not come and the leg (mine) will just not move and the momentum of walking will make me stumble or become off balance.
Well that’s enough about Parkinson’s, I also happen to paint. It’s something I’ve done on and off since I was 6 when my father first gave a real canvas. Surprisingly this very same canvas was in my dad’s stuff when he passed in 07 and now thankfully it’s in mine.
Well I’ve said more than I intended yet nowhere near enough. I look forward to sharing this new adventure in life, love and art with all of you.
Good morning afternoon and evening. I’ve been pretty busy with regular life stuff these days but I have made some time to paint. Here’s a quick look at one of my current works in progress.
I’ve plans to do some larger pieces soon using this technique please stay tuned and as always.
Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have.
Much love and light,
“Start living the life you want and soon you’ll realize your thriving in the life you have”
PS. Had some tattoo work done the other day :) I’ll finish the sleeve in July. Yay!!
A life in progress.
The paintings above are all in their early stages of development so stay tuned :)
Sorry for the lack of words lately, life is moving far more quickly than I these days. I hope all of you are well and have enjoyed life since we last spoke. This week is very busy again for me, my annual neurology appointment at the big science center and then later in the week I’ve a full day tattoo appointment. Some great news came in the other day. I’ve been invited back to the OHSU Parkinson’s symposium, it’s an event that happens every other year and is by invitation only for artists with Parkinson’s and other related neurological disorders. It’s in September so I’ll keep people posted.
As always please be kind to each other for if not you then who??
This piece is 12″ x 36″ and is very much a work in progress. Please enjoy.
And some close ups
A couple more
Sorry I haven’t been around much lately. I’ve been trying to find some balance in my life that will allow me to paint again. And being a guy with Parkinson’s make finding my balance difficult at best ;) yes it’s okay to laugh or moan at my bad humor lol.
May love find your heart and keep it safe.
*** more posts to come soon I promise. I’ve been painting again. YAY!!!