Paths change.. life’s web ebbs and flows in ways often unpredictable I think at time the best we can hope for is just to hold on for dear life and hope we come out on the other side intact or at least in some resemblance of what we thought we were before the maelstrom engulfs us fully.
Often with no recourse do we survive these things that life puts in front of us. I sit here today a man in limbo yet again. First Parkinson’s takes the life I knew away and forces me to reexamine my life. Now I prepare to set forth on what may prove to be the most intense soul searching deep and painful journey of my life. Being asked to leave my entire life as I now know it. I’m fearful because of my Parkinson’s and lack of real humans in my life. I’m fearful that my sons life will change in a way that will hurt him beyond what I can help him heal.
Today I sit hear In fear of the paint as I’m unsure if I’m ready to look those demons in the eye. Oddly though there is a calm inside me that can see a better tomorrow the part I fear is the fact that despite seeing a better tomorrow I can’t see the path to which to follow. So again I leap with blind faith that those who truly love me and that the universe will catch me as I shed this next layer. And try to become the man I was born to be.
I know of no other way to escape the pain, fear and heartache I’m feeling right now. So I apologize for filling your readers with such sorrow. I know my pain is no more great or less than any of yours and many of you have been through such things as well.
Thank you for your friendship, kindness and understanding as I work through these highly complex set of emotions.
I find no solace in the morning sky
On these these darkest of days to
Cross my doorstep.
There are no bird song or roosters cow that bring any peace to this beating heart.
A sea of fear and sadness wash down my face as words of failure
And father, guardian and provider
Shatter against the cold dark floor.
Only salty tears of answered questions rest upon these lips
The shame of a child’s questions why, why, why echo through my heart.
Words I spoke once, twice in my younger years as the families I knew
Heartache knows my name so well in this life….
** painting by Van Gogh
Man in chair hold face
As it is 2:44a pst and I’ve a need to chase some sleep I’ll make this brief. Here is the latest in the My Girl series
Mother and Child
12x12in or 18x18cm
Started in Derbyshire
Completed at The Farm studio USA
Other recent My girl completions:
Thank you dearly for coming by with my impending move and a show to set up in Portland this next weekend this may be my last piece at my “new” old studio. I hope the world has been kind to you and you to it.
There are so many times in life where we simply don’t have control and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. Cars crash, loved one pass. People change and grow apart. Life has a funny way when it comes to the way it ebbs and flows.
On that note I have some very sad and upsetting news to share. As many of you know in 2011 after about a year of seeing doctors I was diagnosed with young onset Parkinson’s disease. I worked on and off at my “normal job” for as long as I could until it was clear between the side effects of the medication and the progression of the disease that I would no longer be able to be satisfactory at my job. I then made arrangements to retire. In my down time and absences from work I began painting at a feverish pace desperately searching to reclaim something that was “me” the old me that I had to put in the closet in order to raise a family as I thought they should be raised, steady income, house,wife, car and cats. In my search to be reborn I began to discover who I am at the core of my being. I’m a giver a gentleman a warrior and poetish painter. The same man I was when I started painting 37 years ago. Yes I’m old (ish) 43 currently. Over the course of the past 3 years my Parkinson’s and my personal life has changed a great deal some for the better and some not so much. Over the course of those three years my relationship with M has suffered a great deal and as to not make my entire personal life a matter of public information I’ll keep the details out. I will say to M. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be more aware of the changes happening a they happened or change the direction. I’m sorry that our paths grew apart . But they did. You showed amazing control as you delivered the bad news to me and for that I’ll be forever thankful. And for those of you reading this if you haven’t caught on yes M and I are separating. In life and in marriage not all things grow and change in the same direction and we as a couple have reached a very sad and hurtful point one that I wouldn’t wish on any couple. The point where you love but no longer like or respect your partner.
I will keep painting, writing and posting it is at this point the only solid thing I have to hold on to. That being said I’m going to dry my tears and do my best to do what I ask all of you so often to do. Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.
On this heart given gift of paint
Such palette does create with
No crimson hue to be seen as true
Nor green can be seen
By these these eyes given gift of god
For these hands are forsaken
So quickly are shaken
Does the mind and heart surely follow.
On a completely different subject than I posted on earlier the other day I was asked about the new piece A man and his Vices and how it was different than many of my other pieces which is very true. Two of my favorite painters and great masters have done similar pieces that I’d like to share with you.
First a piece by Miro called Black Circle I believe. Then a piece from Picasso.
Corrida le Picador
Then to the piece I created A Man and his Vices
That’s about what I have for you today besides my emotional dribble this morning. Needless to say life is hard but I am harder.
I’m off to see my neurologist.
And PS no I’m not suicidal nor am I going away or stopping the paint.
The words you are going to read are not soft, they bite and have teeth that leave marks for the world to see.
It’s been said I’ve changed… So I have bing told you have an incurable progressive neurological disorder has that effect on people. Have I changed for the better or worse??? I guess that depends on whom you speak with. To those of you whom wish to reach me you should know how. Remember live you life with passion. Try hard and harder to follow your dreams and desires be true to yourself and those around you and with any luck you’ll leave this world a better place than before you were here.
A darkness has found me….
I’ve run from it for so long.
But it knows my name and there
Can be no hiding from it’s truth
The words were spoken and like many things in this life once said can not be unsaid for even should they morph and change the damage has been done.
There are two things I’ve wanted since I was a young boy coming from a broken home. One was to be a great artist in the same way I saw my father. Two was to have a stable life. A family and with that family never let them feel the pains of divorce and those feelings that come
From a broken home. Lord knows I’ve lived through to much of that in my life.
Well I have failed… I have failed myself, my son and the ideas in which I set forth so any years ago.
Now I sit with a heavier heart than I’ve ever known and ponder my next path. Life is funny the dream of becoming an artist came with a heavy price tag. Parkinson’s disease. DX at 41 living with they say since probably my early 30′s. And now it seems the universe is here to test my resolve again and it has chosen to take my family from me as well. So again I sit and I ponder what does this life mean and why am I here. Why is the cost of wanting to be happy so high?? I fear I know not where the light is any more. They have been taken from me. So like a child in the darkness of his own shadow I search the morning sky for answers. Why and what, where. Now of my dreams in this mortal life I’ve only the one left. Tears…… Fall like the spring rains washing away the pain and guilt. And I have nothing more to say…. Please remember after I’m gone. To
Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have. You never know when it will change.
In the cold of the night your words give warmth.
A gentle glow..sparks.. Of passion and love yet
to sew seed but born from a deeper place than I’ve traveled before.
A smile so strong a bridge it has built from heart to
heart and back again. Leaving no brick un bruised in the delight of her name.
By what charge of a poets heart does man claim his place
Amongst the angels.
Given no tenor to call home or a voice to speak of,
a wondering soul rest only where angles fear to tread…….
Such darkness gives way to a tender light
Gentle….. Soft….. Lost herself in a strangers land of newness.
A bold place for such a tender heart to trend.
After such destruction has been given her chase only to fall flat
for she rises like the phoenix.
Giving passion to my life like a teenaged boy in heat.
Such passion drip from that fountain that I yearn to
drink from in this life and no other.
Waiting……… Time passes so slowly as the days wander by
looking for a place to call home.
Kisses warm and wet fall upon counters made of Alice’s looking glass
Ponderous thoughts and days are these…..
Left alone…….in a crowded room…..by a mirror facing a mirror and myself.
I wonder what painters hand have I to create these thoughts I think in
colors of green and blue, of silken satin leather, lace and you……
For are we all not the muse of someone else’s muse. Given chase by another
Lovers lover from another place in time and their heart.
Such ponderous thoughts are these….
As the stars track clockwise through the heavens I’m reminded of these new changing times.
Reflections of my past giving chase to tomorrows memories and dreams.
For whom shall I be now that I am once again free to be me, who is this knight of pure heart and black soul, Cast down from the heavens eons ago. Left to wander these time in paint and prose.
Of lovers lips and and sunken ships that have sailed so long ago.
I search for myself amongst these things we think we need and wonder how and why and who am I.
I’m left with lineage, love, anguish and tremor. Pain, paint, passion and woes. But this my friend is where my garden grows. From ashes and fire from human desire.
These are the things I’ve become.
Of drink and desire and maddening rage, one name, one word my love for I am he.
Benjamin,.. is all that I be.
A life in progress
A man and his vices
Mixed media ink wash and acrylics
200.usd ***alternative title: Smoking man his wine and her lover***
I decided on both but for the want of not making you see the things I see I chose the other title.
I miss you like the leaves
Miss the springs sun
After the warms rains have
Washed the detritus
from the day
As the cool autumn night
Guides the inborn fire of life
Taking seed once again
So do the stars flirt high above
Giving winks to their lovers
From a lifetime away.
Such sorrow these sweet
Lips bare, for the yearning
Of a tender hearts calling.
Born not of bitter bread
And sleepless night.
But of childish passion
that craves the touch of
a tempted heart.
Do these words linger
on the tongue like the
Lost dreams of a forgotten
Come to me…see me for
The poetic fool and passionate
paint I bleed…… For they are real
not made of black and white.
See me this broken knight on
See me for who I am not whom you think I should be…..