What dreams may come…

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On my dark days I found you~

You are the light on my darkest day
The embers of hope that live deep in my soul as my body and mind slowly betray.
You give me strength when I have none and a smile when I chase the place that sleep lives. So elusive these days has it been, for my road has been long and late.
I search for that strength and peace on this day with tremors Gaya could not quell and a rigid form of stone no sculptor could tame.

Today brings new things once again. Soon I’ll be traveling to Portland Oregon again I have a meeting with the Cafe Viola owner and then later today a meeting with my advocate. Hopefully I’ll sign papers today on the apartment space. The painting above is just a doodle. Yesterday my PD was getting the best of me, coupled with the stress of my current life events I had to just stop packing and rest. So I painted and then slept.
I hope today where ever you are and what ever your doing that life treats you fair and kindly and you to it.

Always
Benjamin
“A life in progress”
2014

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Just to be clear and so it can be said.

Some may see my previous post as a celebration, sadly it is anything but. I’ve never dreamed only feared that I’d not be by my childs side nor not stand with my family. My new life is only the best outcome from a very sad and horrific situation. It breaks my heart a thousand times a day. But who do I wish to be in this life a warrior or a victim? Do I show my kids to simply lay down when life gets hard?? NO!! I must Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life I have. If not for myself then for them as they may not see it now but someday they will and I hope when they need strength the most they can search for that strength in the memory of their father.

cailĂ­n gaelach
To my Bonny Lass: I’m sorry I’ve failed you.
With eyes like emeralds I’m drawn so deep.
Into a place no demons can creep.
Hair like fire and skin so fair
Only she can take me there.
With a laugh and kiss our bond oh so deep.
Fifteen years in the making a promise a promise I keep.
For all of my days and all that come after
A vow that we made in front of a pastor.
Now my poor girl I feel that I’ve failed.
Your white knight has rusted my coffin half nailed.
I fight off the demons try to keep them at bay.
Slowly and surely they come as they may.
Taking my armor one piece at a time.
Falling like soldiers all in a line.
Till my last dyeing breath I promise to fight, no my sweet love “I will not go quietly into the night”
” For all of my days and all that come after”

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“May your days be bright and your nights be short. Go in love and light and a memory so bright that love may lead the way.”
Benjamin
2014

New Start….New Studio*** Rant

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Many of you know about some of the most private details of my life at this point..

Some of you would even say I’ve over shared…
I guess that’s the beauty of what happens here we all have a choice. To come together under a common bond and share the joys and
sorrows of each others lives. Some to comment, some to watch from the shadows and judge. Either way I made a decision when I first started
blog to be open. Many people forget that this site didn’t start as an Art blog but as my personal journal cataloging my life and struggles with coming to
terms with Young Onset Parkinson’s disease. This journey has taken me around the united states and abroad I’m happy to say I’ve shared every step along the ways, the good the bad and the very ugly personal truths of my life that in reality many of us share in common but would never put out there the way I do.

I’ve said it before and Ill stand by it. I’m a man, no different than any other with the slight exception that I paint and write my heart and soul for all to see. I end 99% of my posts with a kind word. And I pose some hard questions and thoughts because I believe that one man and one voice can change the world.
Art and words have lost their meaning and I will not stand for it another second. For if YOU will not Be Brave and Be Bold or Thrive in the life you have….. I will. If given the chance I would take your hand and shout your name from the roof tops to show the world your brilliance and compassion. Live your words or don’t use them at all. At this point I’ve lost all of it. My job, my career my home and my family and Ill be dammed if I’m going to silence my heart and soul now.
I just received word that I’ve been accepted into a local art co-op. 4 floors of prime down town retail, commercial and loft living space. A place that is positioning its self at the edge of creating an new feel a new scene thriving and ready to make Art believable again. Any person can put brush to canvas, lead to paper and glue a stone to a ring. But only a few can create through there passion to express that love, fear and strength through their art. So again I say…to you.
Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have…
No… life is not easy for any of us. But if I can live through the things I’ve seen, done and had happen to me then you can too. I believe in you. I’ve seen your strength, beauty and passion.

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That’s all I’ve to say.
Namaste
Benjamin
1970-current
“A life in progress”

Another Day

Have you ever had those times in life where you really just didn’t want the sun to raise? Or have that next day come…..that’s kind of where I’m at. I’m not sure what to expect from moment to moment and I hate that feeling. I spent so many years making things “normal” and stable for myself and those around me that to have the carpet pulled out from under me has left me with this constant feeling of being sucked into a maelstrom of torment, angst and fear. I’m sure once I find a place to live and paint that things will stabilize. And really in the scheme of things I’ve been through worse. But to have such change forced upon you after 17 years is brutal and every time I get back to “normal” here comes that gut punch of reality. Separation from my spouse, the pain and harsh reality that is Parkinson’s disease. Honestly the fear of being alone. Anyhow on the positive side I have PT today which I hope will help my body feel better. I’ve a meeting with my Parkinson’s advocate on Wednesday and I’m going to hang a show at Cafe Volia in Portland Oregon this weekend. So life is not all bad just emotionally heartbreaking currently.
Anyhow after a night of waking every two hours in a panicked state only to find that yes my life really does suck this bad right now I’m going to get up and make som coffee. It’s bound to be 4a somewhere.

May the day be kind and gentle to you and you to it. For if not us, you, he, she, me and we then who??? For I will not go gently into this dark night!!!!

Much love
Benjamin

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All of my days…

Such tender light spreads her wings across my wounded heart.
A smile. A true gift in these darkest of days.
For a force unseen now controls the movements that surround me.
Fear and uncertainty have gripped my hearts and play a sad song. A tune I’d not seen coming nor thought I’d hear again in this life.
How can it be that the desire to paint and write could cause such destruction….?
Wandering these next few day in limbo, will life grant me a fresh start as now it has seen fit to take away all that I know.
I would never chose to leave, never chose to spread these wings and fly so far from the things I’ve come to call home.. Though it seems the choice has been made for me.. Against me it feels… No dialect or discourse… Just bitter words and silent ears…. Compassion has long since left the table…..
I fear in these later days of my life what will become of me as this body fails me more and more each day. Where shall I rest my head. These are not the times nor age to common play as a younger man from couch to couch and spare room to stay.
I’ve grown tired of the fighting the backward assumptions and misread thoughts… My demons call to me so strongly as I fight to keep them at bay, the old ways of a sharpened tongue and immovable stone.
Such broken heart sorrow as my seed half grown ponders why…..
Tears, tears flow cleansing and clearing…
Tired…so tired… If I was a lesser man I’d find the short end of a long rope and join those I’ve missed for years..
But I’m not done just yet…..

I say these words now so that they may be said and write them so that I may read them and be reminded of what they truly mean. Please remember to always.
Be brave, Be bold and Thrive in the life you have..

Benjamin.
2014.
A guess all of my days and all that come after was a far shorter time than expected.

More words….

Paths change.. life’s web ebbs and flows in ways often unpredictable I think at time the best we can hope for is just to hold on for dear life and hope we come out on the other side intact or at least in some resemblance of what we thought we were before the maelstrom engulfs us fully.
Often with no recourse do we survive these things that life puts in front of us. I sit here today a man in limbo yet again. First Parkinson’s takes the life I knew away and forces me to reexamine my life. Now I prepare to set forth on what may prove to be the most intense soul searching deep and painful journey of my life. Being asked to leave my entire life as I now know it. I’m fearful because of my Parkinson’s and lack of real humans in my life. I’m fearful that my sons life will change in a way that will hurt him beyond what I can help him heal.
Today I sit hear In fear of the paint as I’m unsure if I’m ready to look those demons in the eye. Oddly though there is a calm inside me that can see a better tomorrow the part I fear is the fact that despite seeing a better tomorrow I can’t see the path to which to follow. So again I leap with blind faith that those who truly love me and that the universe will catch me as I shed this next layer. And try to become the man I was born to be.

I know of no other way to escape the pain, fear and heartache I’m feeling right now. So I apologize for filling your readers with such sorrow. I know my pain is no more great or less than any of yours and many of you have been through such things as well.
Thank you for your friendship, kindness and understanding as I work through these highly complex set of emotions.

Much love and light.
Benjamin
2014

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No solace does a heart in mourning find.

I find no solace in the morning sky
On these these darkest of days to
Cross my doorstep.
There are no bird song or roosters cow that bring any peace to this beating heart.
A sea of fear and sadness wash down my face as words of failure
And father, guardian and provider
Shatter against the cold dark floor.
Only salty tears of answered questions rest upon these lips
The shame of a child’s questions why, why, why echo through my heart.
Words I spoke once, twice in my younger years as the families I knew
Faded away.
Heartache knows my name so well in this life….

Benjamin
2014
** painting by Van Gogh
Man in chair hold face

Mother and Child

As it is 2:44a pst and I’ve a need to chase some sleep I’ll make this brief. Here is the latest in the My Girl series

Mother and Child

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12x12in or 18x18cm
Mixed media
Started in Derbyshire
Completed at The Farm studio USA
100usd

Other recent My girl completions:

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Thank you dearly for coming by with my impending move and a show to set up in Portland this next weekend this may be my last piece at my “new” old studio. I hope the world has been kind to you and you to it.

Much love and light
Benjamin
2014

Life, the good the bad and all the stuff in between.

There are so many times in life where we simply don’t have control and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. Cars crash, loved one pass. People change and grow apart. Life has a funny way when it comes to the way it ebbs and flows.
On that note I have some very sad and upsetting news to share. As many of you know in 2011 after about a year of seeing doctors I was diagnosed with young onset Parkinson’s disease. I worked on and off at my “normal job” for as long as I could until it was clear between the side effects of the medication and the progression of the disease that I would no longer be able to be satisfactory at my job. I then made arrangements to retire. In my down time and absences from work I began painting at a feverish pace desperately searching to reclaim something that was “me” the old me that I had to put in the closet in order to raise a family as I thought they should be raised, steady income, house,wife, car and cats. In my search to be reborn I began to discover who I am at the core of my being. I’m a giver a gentleman a warrior and poetish painter. The same man I was when I started painting 37 years ago. Yes I’m old (ish) 43 currently. Over the course of the past 3 years my Parkinson’s and my personal life has changed a great deal some for the better and some not so much. Over the course of those three years my relationship with M has suffered a great deal and as to not make my entire personal life a matter of public information I’ll keep the details out. I will say to M. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be more aware of the changes happening a they happened or change the direction. I’m sorry that our paths grew apart . But they did. You showed amazing control as you delivered the bad news to me and for that I’ll be forever thankful. And for those of you reading this if you haven’t caught on yes M and I are separating. In life and in marriage not all things grow and change in the same direction and we as a couple have reached a very sad and hurtful point one that I wouldn’t wish on any couple. The point where you love but no longer like or respect your partner.
I will keep painting, writing and posting it is at this point the only solid thing I have to hold on to. That being said I’m going to dry my tears and do my best to do what I ask all of you so often to do.
Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.

Namaste
Benjamin
A life in progress
1970-current

Small words in the night.. (2:12a pst)

On this heart given gift of paint
Such palette does create with
No crimson hue to be seen as true
Nor green can be seen
By these these eyes given gift of god
For these hands are forsaken
So quickly are shaken
Does the mind and heart surely follow.

Benjamin
2014